There are many conflicting messages about what it takes to be a “real man.” Some people call for men to be strong and aggressive. Others insist that men need to be nicer, gentler, and more emotional.
This confusion, says blogger and podcaster Rollo Tomassi, is part of the feminine agenda that keeps men constantly unsure of how to act in any given moment—always responding to women’s needs and wants rather than freely defining the course of their lives. In The Rational Male, Tomassi explains that men need to reclaim control of their lives by honoring their natural impulses to be independent, dominating, and sexually prolific.
By sharing his interpretations of what drives men and women, Tomassi provides a roadmap for men to recognize their value, have more sex, build better relationships, and command respect. In this guide, we’ll cover the four main topics that make up this roadmap:
We’ll also examine research in the areas of biology, sociology, and psychology that explores the concepts Tomassi mentions.
Tomassi argues that women have been operating a feminine agenda since the late 1960s. This agenda has a singular focus: to tame and manipulate men’s normal masculine impulses.
In this section, we’ll first describe the male and female sexual strategies that underpin the feminine agenda. Then, we’ll explore the feminine agenda itself and its ultimate consequence: women holding dominance. Finally, we’ll explain why men are complicit in supporting the feminine agenda.
To understand the feminine agenda, we first need to understand how men and women operate sexually. According to Tomassi, women and men are biologically programmed to execute two distinct sexual strategies. On the one hand, men are compelled to have sex with as many women as they can to ensure the continuation of their genetic line. On the other hand, women want to find the best possible mate—one who’ll pass down the most advantageous physical traits to her offspring, and who’ll serve as a great protector and provider for the long term.
To ensure she fulfills her sexual strategy, a woman is genetically predisposed to seek out the highest-status and most socially dominant man she can get—one with sufficient money, career success, and social influence. She constantly scans for the best-qualified man she can attract and never stops.
(Shortform note: Contrary to Tomassi’s assertion that women always seek out the highest-status men they can find, research shows that people tend to pursue partners with income levels, education levels, and career status similar to their own. People of similar social standing are more likely to share beliefs, goals, values, and lifestyle patterns, which makes for less conflict in their relationships.)
According to Tomassi, even when a woman commits to a long-term relationship, she will always be on the lookout for an upgrade. Her man might fit the bill today but fail to measure up tomorrow. For example, he could fail to achieve a job promotion or pay raise that she sees as critical for his (and therefore her) advancement. Then, if she finds someone better, she will leave her man without a second thought.
(Shortform note: Tomassi is right that some women are disloyal; statistics show that 13% of them cheat. That said, Tomassi doesn’t mention that in reality, more men than women cheat—20% of men are unfaithful. The main reason women give for cheating is that their partner doesn’t pay enough attention to them, whereas men’s primary reason is that the person they cheated with was very attractive.)
Are Humans Programmed to Want Children?
Tomassi claims that we are hardwired to want children, which compels us to seek out suitable sexual partners for the purpose of reproduction (either one partner, in the case of women, or many, in the case of men). He seems to view reproduction as a natural, inherited preference that is impervious to cultural influences (although he does seemingly recognize that culture shapes behavior—after all, his book itself is designed to influence men’s behavior). Let’s examine what scientific research says about that claim.
Among scientists, it’s now commonly accepted that both culture and biology influence human behavior. A rigid dichotomous debate about “nature vs. nurture” is no longer considered useful or productive.
In terms of biological influences, humans do seem to have a genetic predisposition to pursue sex (an urge which varies widely between individuals in its frequency and intensity). However, the predisposed desire for sexual activity does not equate to a desire to produce offspring. Many women and men engage in intercourse purely for pleasure, and much of that sexual activity does not result in offspring.
That said, women’s “maternal instinct” may be hardwired. This built-in compulsion for women to nurture and protect their offspring is likely an evolutionary adaptation that helps ensure the continuation of life.
As for cultural influences, research shows that these also impact whether people want children. In one study of American adults between ages 18 and 49, 44% of respondents said they don’t want children largely because of a bleak economic and social outlook.
Ultimately, Tomassi says, for women to successfully execute their sexual strategy, men must sacrifice theirs: They must settle down with one woman instead of “playing the field.” Therefore, the ultimate aim of the feminine agenda is to keep women in a position of power so they can manipulate men into prioritizing women’s needs and sexual strategy over their own.
(Shortform note: Is women’s goal really to be in a position of power, as Tomassi says? Possibly not—most efforts in women’s rights movements have focused on increasing women’s safety and gaining access to equal opportunities. Those goals included increasing women’s access to education and securing legal protection against rape and domestic violence.)
As we noted previously, women must constantly assess the qualifications of the men around them to ensure they’ve got the best protector and provider they can possibly attract. To guarantee they are positioned to constantly assess men, women promulgated a narrative—through the women’s rights movement—that women’s needs and wants take precedence over men’s. This is why, Tomassi argues, we take for granted that “women come first” and expect men to set aside or suppress their personal ambitions, needs, and desires.
(Shortform note: There are conflicting views on whether the “women first” ideology benefits or constrains women’s social standing and influence. Some contend that it actually reinforces the notion of male dominance by suggesting that men must accommodate women’s inherent weakness and ineptitude, putting women first to make up for their apparent inferiority. For example, men are taught that it’s chivalrous to open doors for women and spare them from hard physical tasks like moving furniture and mowing the lawn. The implication is that women are fragile and need men to take care of them.)
Now that this “women first” narrative has taken hold of our culture, Tomassi explains, women are in the dominant position, which enables them to set the “rules” for men’s behavior. Men, consequently, are in the subservient position, relying on women to guide them on how they should think and act—because, they’ve learned, their role is to ensure the comfort, safety, and approval of the women around them. So, instead of following their own impulses and needs, men constantly compete with one another to impress and attract women.
(Shortform note: Do men inevitably see one another as competitors vying for women’s attention, as Tomassi says? Possibly not—according to research, men can view other men not just as sexual rivals but also as allies. For example, a man may view a big, strong guy with lots of money and connections as a valuable ally who can help him rise up the social ranks, thereby increasing his sexual opportunities in comparison to other men. Furthermore, one study suggests that even when men do fight over women, they may not be doing so to impress the woman—instead, they wish to display general social dominance. )
However, the rules set by these dominant women are always shifting. Depending on the circumstances, women expect men to be alternately strong, intimidating protectors; gentle, supportive partners; reliable, stable providers; and exciting, alluring studs. These shifting rules, says Tomassi, keep men off balance and disconnected from their value as a man.
(Shortform note: Trying to adhere to the shifting rules Tomassi describes—in particular, the idea that men should be gentle and supportive—may harm men in the workplace and negatively influence their career trajectories. Research shows that men face backlash for straying from masculine gender stereotypes at work. When men show vulnerability and modesty, act nicer, and display sadness, colleagues view them as less competent and confident and assume they’re of lower status. As a consequence, men who exhibit qualities that don’t align with traditional masculinity are promoted less often and fired more often.)
How can men fulfill all of these contradictory demands? They can’t. Why do they try—and why do they sacrifice their ambitions and natural urges in the process? Tomassi says it’s because they believe the lie women have told them—that this is how they will get the sexual access they desperately desire.
Conflicting Messages About Masculinity and Their Consequences for Men
How did the advent of the women-first worldview impact views of masculinity? Let’s explore the history behind this change.
As feminist principles gained a foothold, people started to challenge assumptions about male superiority and the value of traditional masculinity norms. Simultaneously, women gained access to a wider range of acceptable behaviors. Contrary to previous eras, women could be assertive, play aggressive sports, work in physically demanding jobs, and earn lots of money —and still be considered feminine. As women’s range of expression widened, it became harder for men to distinguish themselves as uniquely masculine.
What behaviors and qualities can men use to prove they are manly enough? There is no clear answer, and many scholars, health professionals, and social researchers expand on Tomassi’s observation that shifting standards for masculinity are negatively affecting men and boys. Let’s look more closely at some of these consequences.
As men grapple with conflicting messages around masculinity (and try to heed these messages to gain sexual access to women), many attempt to embody traditional masculine norms, which include dominance, aggression, stoicism, and independence. But many men who try to adhere to those standards to an extreme degree suffer severe consequences: According to research, men who strongly adhere to rigid views of masculinity are more likely to be depressed, disdainful, or lonely—and are less likely to seek support because they see it as a sign of weakness. Further, when men feel trapped by unattainable expectations for masculinity, they’re more like to engage in violent behavior such as rape, emotional abuse, and physical violence toward women.
Many scholars and psychologists are now exploring how to help men and boys navigate all of this uncertainty and struggle. Some suggest inviting men and boys to think and write about the kind of men they want to be and what they want to be remembered for. This activity invites men to reflect on how their behavior affects others so they can replace harmful norms for masculinity with healthy expectations.
Others say it’s important for people in positions of authority—parents, teachers, and health professionals—to highlight seeking help as a sign of courage and independence, which could dismantle the notion that “real men” don’t ask for help.
Now that we’ve explored how the feminine agenda operates, let’s investigate Tomassi's explanation for why and how men fuel the feminine agenda and thereby participate in their own subjugation.
As the feminine agenda took hold, women designed social practices—now dominant in our culture—that uphold the “women first” narrative. Tomassi asserts that those social practices now pervade every social institution and convention, including media, religion, law, and education. For example, in the judicial system, judges favor mothers in the vast majority of child custody cases, and they rarely require women to pay alimony even when they’re the primary breadwinners.
(Shortform note: As Tomassi notes, the women’s movement of the 1960s and 1970s did indeed result in significant changes throughout most social institutions to increase women’s safety and opportunities. For example, women gained increased access to education, politics, the workplace, birth control, and legal protection from domestic violence and rape. Despite these changes, gender disparities persist. In the judicial realm, gender stereotypes lead to laws and rulings that sometimes favor women (which Tomassi highlights) and sometimes favor men. For instance, only six countries in the world have laws that give women and men equal access to work rights.)
Thus, men are socialized to view women-serving ideals and behaviors as normal—even desirable. In fact, Tomassi says, most men have been so thoroughly indoctrinated by the feminine agenda that they fully accept and perpetuate it. This is why most men agree that “real men” put women first and willingly sacrifice their own needs to accommodate women. For example, they believe they are “doing the right thing” when they financially and emotionally support a woman’s children, even when another man fathered those children.
(Shortform note: Whereas Tomassi presents men who support children they didn’t father as a sign they’ve been indoctrinated into the feminine agenda, in some societies, it’s typical to consider multiple men the biological father of a single child. In Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá explain that people in some South American tribes think pregnancy results from ongoing deposits of semen rather than one act of intercourse. Therefore, it’s normal and expected for multiple men to provide for that child. This lack of concern about paternity benefits the society as a whole, increasing the chances that children will survive and thrive.)
Now that you know what the feminine agenda is and why it’s so effective, let’s examine the main lies women tell to keep men compliant with their agenda. We’ll examine each lie in turn along with the underlying truth, according to Tomassi.
Tomassi says that women label any action or belief that threatens women’s dominance as “male privilege.” The lie of male privilege, says Tomassi, is designed to guilt men into sacrificing their interests to the further advantage of women. Men are always encouraged to “check” or give up their alleged privilege and to empower women—sacrificing their interests in the process.
However, the truth is that women are in control. As we’ve seen, they shape the overarching narrative and social conventions in our culture, which all serve women’s interests. This is why, Tomassi says, it’s common practice to ridicule or attack anyone who makes a statement or action that challenges women’s priority—calling them sexist, juvenile, or out-of-touch.
Digging Deeper Into Privilege
Although Tomassi argues that women, not men, enjoy privilege, it’s not clear what his definition of privilege is. A commonly accepted definition is an unearned special right or advantage available to people because of their membership in a particular social group. Using this definition, let’s examine Tomassi’s claim about female privilege on two levels: institutional privilege that plays out in a broad cultural context and interpersonal romantic relationships.
First, in terms of institutional privilege, women earn 84% of what their male counterparts earn, with Black and Hispanic women earning less than White women. Among human trafficking victims, 71% are women and girls. Also, women make up only 27% of Congress even though they make up 51% of the population. Further, women are at greater risk for rape and domestic violence, pay more for clothes and personal care items, and face hiring barriers in multiple industries, including tech, business, and the media. So, arguably, women do not enjoy key advantages men enjoy, which limits their social mobility and influence.
On an interpersonal level, both men and women report power imbalances in their relationships. However, how these imbalances manifest show that the stakes are higher for women. Women who say they have less power in a relationship often report being subjected to coercion and abuse. In contrast, men who say they have less power often describe their partners as controlling but don’t report any physical or emotional abuse.
Second, women promote the fallacy that they are complex and enigmatic. They perpetuate the lie of the unknowable female by saying one thing and doing another—their default mode of communication. Furthermore, Tomassi argues that whereas men clearly say what they mean, women don’t. They allow emotions to dictate their reactions, which keeps men constantly guessing about women’s true intentions.
The only way to accurately determine a woman’s intentions, Tomassi advises, is to observe her actions. He contends that women’s behaviors provide the only evidence of their motivations—and that their true motivations often lie beneath their conscious awareness, so men are wise to never trust the justifications women give for their behaviors.
(Shortform note: Tomassi insists that women communicate in a manner that is consistently and often intentionally misleading and that men should therefore trust only women’s actions. However, he provides no supporting evidence for this claim. Research on this topic is mixed. According to one poll, women are twice as likely to lie as men, which researchers attribute to women having more empathy and being “nicer” than men. By this logic, women lie because they want to shield people from unpleasant truths. Other research shows that men are more deceptive than women, consider themselves better liars than women, and get away with lies twice as much as women. That said, all of these generalized findings obscure nuances of communication and don’t lead to clear conclusions about any one gender writ large.)
Tomassi argues that the lie of the mysterious, unknowable female serves to discourage men from attempting to understand women. If men understood women, they would be able to see through and resist women’s control and manipulations.
(Shortform note: Tomassi says that women’s manipulations undermine men’s power. So, how can you tell if someone is manipulating you? Here are some concrete warning signs to look out for, according to experts: A manipulative person may point out your flaws in front of others, change their requests and desires often, use guilt against you by reminding you of past wrongdoings, violate your boundaries, ignore your opinions, and give you the silent treatment.)
In truth, Tomassi asserts, women are not unknowable. To the contrary, men can understand women by tapping into the collective knowledge that men have accumulated about women—particularly over the past 20 years—in books, online forums, and virtual communities. Men around the world can easily access powerful truths about women that guide them on how to understand women’s motivations and subvert female dominance.
Tomassi’s Work and the “Manosphere”
Tomassi could well be referring to his own work as a source of help for men, as he has many different platforms where he discusses the issues he explores in The Rational Male. These include his popular blog and YouTube channel, which has over 150,000 subscribers.
Tomassi is also part of the “manosphere” community, a loosely connected online network of blogs, forums, YouTube channels, and subreddits aimed at men. Many people involved in the manosphere say the advice they’ve received from other men has helped them avoid pitfalls of dating and relationships and become the best version of themselves. Critics say the manosphere is dangerous, leading men to express hatred toward women and girls —even prompting acts of extreme violence.
Women spread the lie that they want “nice guys” who, they say, are few and far between. Most men, they disingenuously lament, are cocky meatheads locked in an outdated version of masculinity that leads them to be insensitive, overly aggressive, emotionally distant, and out of touch with what women want and need.
Tomassi says this is blatantly false. In reality, he explains, most men are “nice guys”—caring, compassionate, supportive, and accommodating to women’s needs—because they’ve been socialized to display qualities that women say they value. In effect, Tomassi says, most men have become like women—in the misguided belief that doing so will make them more attractive to women.
But men disadvantage themselves, Tomassi explains, by being nice and embodying feminine qualities. Why? Because women are not actually drawn to nice guys. Rather, they are drawn to guys who stand out from the pack. Men who act cocky and selfish, Tomassi insists, will be noteworthy and will appeal to women most.
Remember, women never say what they really want. So, even though a woman says she wants a nice guy, she actually wants a man who is confident enough to prioritize his own interests and beliefs—an indicator that he will be a good provider and protector.
What Do Women Really Want?
Other prominent voices who address male-female relationship dynamics echo Tomassi’s call for men to abandon their “nice guy” mindset and behaviors. For example, in No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover says “being nice” causes men to deny their power and experience unsatisfying intimate relationships, frustration, bitterness, and disappointment. He encourages men to improve their lives by becoming an Ideal Man who is secure in his masculinity, sexuality, and self-image. Both Tomassi and Glover call for men to embrace their innate masculine tendencies and to prioritize their needs.
However, in contrast to Tomassi, Glover asserts that women aren’t attracted to “jerks” who exhibit selfish, insulting behavior. So, what qualities in men do women really find attractive? Glover argues that women are attracted to confident people who fully accept themselves. Meanwhile, according to research, here’s what women look for:
Good looks, though more so for flings and less so for long-term relationships
A sense of humor, which is seen as a sign of intelligence
Altruism and kindness, though more so for long-term relationships and less so for flings
Men with expensive cars or apartments who appear wealthy
Older men who’ve had time to acquire more resources
Men who are unavailable or who “play hard to get”
Men with dogs
Men who are attentive, present, and nonjudgmental
Men who wear red, a color associated with high status
Men who undertake heroic risks like saving someone’s life
Finally, women promote the lie that older women are sexually desirable and exciting. As Tomassi explains, this lie supports women’s mating strategy. As we discussed previously, women are driven to find the best-qualified, highest-status man they can get. They need ample time and opportunity to do that.
The lie that women reach their sexual peak later in life gives women the buffer they need to vet men as potential providers. According to Tomassi, here’s how this works: Early in life, when women are more fertile and physically appealing, they seek out and can “hook” men whose contribution to offspring is purely genetic—guys who are fit, muscular, and attractive. But, they know they will eventually need a man who has sufficient money, connections, and status to protect and support them and their children. So, later in life, women shift their focus away from men’s looks and instead prioritize long-term security, seeking out men with ample money, connections, and status.
When these secure, successful men believe the lie that older women reach their sexual peak later in life, they’re more vulnerable to making bad relationship decisions. A man will convince himself that an older woman who seems—and supposedly is—supremely sexually vital, eager, and experienced is somehow a better option than a younger, more fertile, and more sexually desirable woman.
Contrary to popular belief, Tomassi says, women’s prime sexual years are between ages 18 and 25. This is when they’re most attractive and desirable as mating partners, determined by biology. In contrast, men’s prime sexual years are between ages 30 and 36, determined by a combination of their physical attractiveness, level of social dominance, and professional achievements. Whereas women’s sexual desirability is short-lived and declines rapidly with age, Tomassi contends, men’s sexual desirability is more sustained and often increases as they age.
Clarifying Women’s Sexual Peak and How It Influences Their Relationship Decisions
Whereas Tomassi defines someone’s sexual peak as the time when they’re most attractive and desirable as a mating partner, doctors and psychologists define sexual peak as the period in someone’s life when they are most capable of having frequent, high-quality sex—unrelated to their reproductive capability.
Recent research suggests women reach their sexual peak between 27 and 45 years old, while men peak in their early 20s. Hormones levels for both men and women decline throughout their reproductive years, which tends to lower libido. However, people of all ages can have satisfying sex, and research confirms a vast range of sex drives and sexual activity across ages. Many people, women in particular, report having better sex when they’re older. This may be due to having more experience, more skilled partners, and more comfort communicating their needs.
So, how does the discrepancy between men’s and women’s sex drives influence women’s relationship preferences? Research shows that some older women seek out younger men because they want partners who can keep up with their high sex drives. In one study, women dating younger men gave three reasons for seeking out younger men:
They believed younger men were more equipped to satisfy them sexually—the men would want more sex and would last longer during sex.
They felt more comfortable being assertive about their sexual needs and desires, assuming younger men would appreciate them taking a more active role.
They thought younger men would be more keen to prioritize their partner’s sexual pleasure than their own—anticipating that younger men would try harder to impress women with their skills than older men.
Now that you know the main lies women use to subjugate men, let’s look at how men can reclaim control of their lives. Tomassi explains that men can loosen the grip of the feminine agenda and step into their power, but it’s a process that takes time. Men must become aware of their own value and embrace their natural masculine impulses.
In this section, we’ll look at the three main rules Tomassi outlines for men to recognize their value, have more sex, build better relationships, and feel good about themselves: postpone long-term relationships, don’t negotiate for sex, and keep women curious and uncertain.
Tomassi advises men to remain single until their 30s, the time when their sexual desirability is highest. Delaying commitment will allow them to gain experience with many women so they’re better able to judge character and identify good female mating partners.
(Shortform note: Tomassi’s advice to postpone relationships could backfire, as some women avoid men who have never been in a long-term relationship. These women assume that perpetually single men are somehow “damaged” or unwilling to commit.)
Before their 30s, Tomassi advises, men should build their value by pursuing their educational and career ambitions, as well as devoting time to their physical fitness. By building their value, men will enjoy better sexual opportunities as they mature, as women are attracted to fit, successful men.
(Shortform note: While Tomassi frames building their value as something men should do to attract women, in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey suggests that it’s something men must do before they enter the dating scene. Harvey says that a man’s self-worth and value as a partner are linked with his achievements, particularly his job, title, and earning capability. He elaborates that only when men measure up in these areas can they truly devote attention to women and relationships.)
Additionally, Tomassi says, the more value men build—through their status, career achievements, and physical attractiveness—the more leverage they will have with women. A high-status, physically and socially dominating man can define the terms of his relationship with a woman much better than a frumpy guy working a minimum-wage job.
(Shortform note: Research doesn’t specifically address Tomassi’s claim that higher-status, attractive men can more easily dictate the terms of their relationships. However, research does show that when women earn more and have higher-status jobs than their husbands, they resent their husbands, experience more conflict in their relationships, and often express a desire to leave their marriages. Thus, men may be wise to pursue status and career success as Tomassi advises because they’ll be more likely to build harmonious relationships that last.)
It’s essential, says Tomassi, that men refuse to negotiate with women for sexual access. Women control men by granting or denying sexual access, and men need to stay alert for any conditional offers of sex. For example, a woman might say, “We can have some fun later if you take me to that new restaurant,” or “If you stay home tonight instead of going out with your friends, I’ll make it worth your while.”
When a woman negotiates for sex, it’s a test. She’s assessing whether a man is the strong protector and provider she needs. According to Tomassi, a man fails this test by succumbing to a woman’s demands. He sends the message that he needs her more than she needs him, surrendering his authority and losing the woman’s respect.
(Shortform note: Many people agree with Tomassi that it’s a bad idea for couples to approach sex as a transactional arrangement. For example, if a woman consents to sex only if her man changes the oil in her car, it can lead to resentment. However, couples who talk openly about sex—including how frequently they want to engage in sex—can have healthy negotiations around sex that lead to a frequency of intercourse that’s satisfying for both partners.)
As Tomassi explains, a woman wants to see that her romantic partner controls the circumstances around him. Therefore, refusing to negotiate is the only way for men to pass the test. In this way, men demonstrate their independence, honor their value, and ensure that women’s desire is real, not just a reward for men’s compliance.
(Shortform note: Many studies confirm Tomassi’s assertion that women like men who are confident, independent, and in control. But make sure confidence doesn’t transform into arrogance and selfishness, which turns women off. To demonstrate that you’re a guy who has confidence without arrogance, be kind, respectful, open-minded, and modest. Listen intently when others talk, and deliver your opinions with clarity.)
Tomassi argues that men need to be unpredictable by finding creative ways to pique women’s imaginations. Although women say they want a man who’s reliable and steady, they actually want a man who sparks excitement, intrigue, and mystery.
As soon as a woman thinks she knows all there is to know about a man, she loses interest. Why? When there’s nothing more to learn about a guy, she can continue scanning elsewhere to compare him with other men—always seeking the highest-status man available. But if a man keeps a woman guessing about what he’ll do or say, she’ll see him as independent, assertive, and exciting. As Tomassi explains, that compels her to be attentive and respectful, and she’ll continue investing energy into him.
So, how can men build intrigue and spark excitement to keep women interested? Tomassi recommends being creative: Go out with the guys after work, make a cocky comment, be funny, start working out, take up a new hobby, or change the way you dress.
How to Keep Your Relationship Exciting
It’s normal for a relationship to get a little mundane after a while, and it’s important—as Tomassi says—to be intentional about keeping things fresh and interesting. Although Tomassi offers suggestions that men can mostly do alone, here are some unpredictable things couples can do together to spark each other’s curiosity:
Hang out with other couples who are fun to be around.
Try out a new class or activity that stretches your comfort zone, such as a cooking class or pottery lesson.
Set a fitness goal and pursue it together, like running a 5K.
Go on a spontaneous date to somewhere neither of you has been before.
Leave each other love notes or send romantic text messages.
Take a trip or stay at a local hotel for one night.
Surprise each other in creative ways, like cooking a delicious meal on a random weeknight.
Create a scavenger hunt for each other.
Schedule a photoshoot and have a fun theme like throwback 90s clothes.
The best thing a guy can do to build their intrigue in the eyes of women is to have multiple sexual options. Tomassi advises men to unapologetically build up a roster of eligible sexual partners. Doing so will highlight men’s sexual desirability—in their own eyes and in the eyes of the women they date. Further, Tomassi says that a man with options is a man with power, which inevitably leads to confidence. A man without options will feel and act needy—the opposite of what attracts women.
Tomassi advises men to be forthcoming with their dating partners about being nonexclusive, or at least give the impression that they have many women clamoring for their attention. The same advice holds true for men in committed relationships: Tomassi says they must routinely hint to their female partners that other women find them attractive. Why is this so important? When a woman knows that other women desire her man, she sees him as more valuable and alluring.
(Shortform note: Men pursuing many sexual options, as Tomassi suggests, may aid women in an unexpected way: Doing so may free women to do the same. According to research, it’s women, not men, who primarily desire open relationships. Whereas women get bored having sex with the same person after a span of one to four years, men in committed relationships are happy having sex with their partners for nine to 12 years without getting bored.)
How to Successfully Date Multiple Women
Tomassi offers some general guidance around how to date many women at once to build your confidence and desirability, but if you’re really looking to pull this off, you’ll need to be very clear in your communication, as Tomassi suggests. Many women are totally fine with nonexclusive relationships, but you could send them running if you deliver the wrong message.
Here are some tips for communicating your non-exclusive status:
Gently let your partners know that you’re not looking for a girlfriend right now and want to be non-exclusive. There’s no need to force this conversation. Just pick a time when talking about this feels appropriate and natural.
Avoid sharing too much. For example, you can tell a woman that you can’t see her tomorrow night because you have other plans, but you don’t need to tell her that you’re going on a date with a beautiful woman you met at the gym.
Use social media with caution. Don’t “friend” women you date or post pictures of you with your other dating partners.
Play it cool. Don’t go over the top with feelings-laden expressions of admiration, like “you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.” If you’re dating a woman who’s also not looking for a relationship, emotional outpourings will likely turn her off.
Practice safe sex. Be sure to keep yourself and your dating partners protected from transmissible diseases.
Now that you know what men need to do to regain control of their lives, let’s discuss how long-term relationships fit into this picture. Are long-term relationships good or bad for men? Should men try to build a long-term relationship, or will that undermine their efforts to gain control of their lives?
In this section, we’ll examine three of Tomassi’s fundamental truths about committed relationships so you know how to navigate this important domain. Tomassi doesn’t prescribe a particular relationship goal for all men. Rather, he shares his insights and leaves men to decide what’s best for them.
The feminine agenda upholds monogamous, committed relationships as the ultimate achievement in our culture. Men are led to believe that they have one true soulmate and it’s up to them to find that elusive “one” and settle down.
(Shortform note: Many areas of our culture promote belief in a soulmate, including films, books, magazines, and television shows. For example, the reality show The Bachelor showcases a single man who dates several women in an effort to find his true love. Many religious traditions also bolster the soulmate belief, downplaying the importance of economic or social compatibility in favor of a spiritual connection.)
This fantasy, Tomassi asserts, has two effects. First, it undermines men’s natural tendencies to seek out multiple sexual partners without attachment. When they buy into the bogus notion that there is one perfect woman for them, they invest precious emotional and financial resources in pursuit of that one treasure.
Second, it causes men to desperately hunt for their soulmate so they can fulfill the cultural expectation to get attached and settle down. Consequently, Tomassi says, a man often settles for a woman who is not a good match. And then he invests more into that relationship—trying to buy love, and fix himself or his partner—instead of cutting his losses and walking away.
(Shortform note: How prevalent is the belief in a soulmate, and how many people truly invest their emotional and financial resources into finding theirs? According to research, 73 percent of Americans believe their happiness depends on finding their predestined soulmate. As Tomassi says, this belief can have negative effects. People who believe they are fulfilling their destiny by committing to their assumed soulmate are more likely to lose interest in their partner and give up when any challenges surface in the relationship. To reduce your chances of suffering disillusionment that leads to painful breakups, stop trying to fulfill an unrealistic fantasy. Instead, focus on building an authentic, meaningful connection with a person with compatible interests.)
Men need to stop believing there is only one perfect match out there for them and that a committed, monogamous relationship is their duty or destiny: They can settle down if they want to, but it’s not a mandate. Tomassi cautions that commitment forces a man to sacrifice his sexual strategy in favor of a woman’s. Thus, the man surrenders, to a large degree, his options and freedom. Men remain sexually desirable well into old age, and they can live happy, fulfilled lives without locking themselves into a committed relationship.
Are Married People Happier?
Let’s look at what research says about Tomassi’s assertion that single men who heed their “natural” instinct to eschew attachment can be just as happy as married people. Some research shows that married people tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer than single people. Breaking this finding down further, marriage seems to make women happier than men but provides more health benefits to men than women. Arguably, these benefits to health and happiness could outweigh the loss of options and freedom that Tomassi associates with marriage.
However, many complicating factors prevent us from making any direct causal connections between marriage and life outcomes. For example, a tumultuous, abusive marriage will not foster happiness. And given that married people are more likely to have health insurance, improved health outcomes may be linked with access to health care rather than support and nurturing from a partner.
Other research has found that single people are more likely than married people to have deep, rewarding relationships with their friends, family members, and colleagues. When singles proactively pursue those social connections, their happiness can exceed that of married people. So, a strong social network can outweigh the benefits of having a committed, long-term partner.
That said, new research indicates that single women are generally more satisfied with their singlehood than men. Men who are older, more educated, and in worse health report the lowest levels of satisfaction with their single status. Hence, while Tomassi is right that men don’t need a long-term relationship to be fulfilled, they should carefully evaluate their priorities when choosing singlehood or marriage (an idea Tomassi would likely also agree with, as we’ll see next).
According to Tomassi, men can create healthy long-term relationships by following some basic guidelines. First, a man must choose a woman he truly cares for. He must resist pressure to find his imaginary soulmate as quickly as possible. Instead, Tomassi says, a man must be patient and gain experience with lots of women so he knows what he likes. Although there’s no such thing as a “perfect” woman, he must choose someone who has enough of what he needs to satisfy him. He should be so passionate about her that it’s worth limiting his future opportunities.
Second, a man must define the relationship dynamic by establishing his authority and independence. He needs to say no, be unpredictable, and make it clear that he won’t compromise his beliefs and ambitions for sexual access. Tomassi says that when a man sets the terms in this way, the relationship should be effortless.
How to Choose the Right Woman and Create a Great Relationship
Tomassi advises men who pursue long-term relationships to choose their women wisely, based largely on passion. But what if the choice is down to two equally appealing contenders? Use these tips to make your selection:
Assess each woman’s positive qualities. Go beyond looks to consider how loyal, compassionate, supportive, and trustworthy they are.
Choose the woman whose interests and views match yours.
Choose the woman who gives you space and doesn’t nag. If you feel like she’s too needy, she’s not worth it.
Consider who treats you better. Make sure the woman you choose takes your feelings, interests, and needs into account.
Trust your intuition. If you’re still not sure after weighing these factors based on logic, surrender to your feelings and go with the woman who makes you genuinely happy.
Once you’ve chosen your woman, how do you then define the terms of your relationship as Tomassi recommends? Not everyone agrees with Tomassi that men should take the helm when establishing the dynamic in a relationship. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray says that men and women need to engage in open dialogue to understand and appreciate their inherent differences. Then, they should keep those differences in mind when deciding together how they want the relationship to play out. Through ongoing give-and-take, both men and women will derive more fulfillment from their relationships.
Even in a long-term committed relationship, Tomassi asserts, a man can never stop performing and demonstrating his value as a provider. He explains that whereas men love women unconditionally, women are biologically programmed to love men only conditionally. Remember, a woman will remain loyal and loving only as long as she sees her partner as the best available option. If a man shows any sign of weakness, the woman will redirect her love and attention to someone who seems like a more suitable provider. Men need to know this, Tomassi says, so they set realistic expectations for any committed relationship they enter.
Different Views on Unconditional Love
Many people have discussed Tomassi’s assertion that women can’t love men unconditionally. For example, comedian Chris Rock has a popular skit where he affirms Tomassi’s assessment, saying, “Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”
Others dispute Tomassi’s view, pointing out that many women stay with men who provide very little to the relationship. Those women take care of the kids, do all of the housework, and earn all of the money while their men enjoy a life of relative ease. Also, given the importance men place on women’s physical attractiveness, some argue that it’s questionable to claim that men do love unconditionally whereas women do not. Research shows that 50% of men would leave their partner if she gained weight.
So, is unconditional love realistic in romantic relationships? Some say no, especially when unconditional love requires putting up with someone no matter what—including cheating, lying, or abuse. Instead, some experts recommend focusing on unconditional positive regard, which prioritizes mutual respect while both partners still maintain healthy boundaries and protect their own needs and well-being. To achieve unconditional positive regard in your relationship, follow these tips:
Practice open communication and listen carefully to your partner’s feelings.
Focus on the things that really matter, not pesky annoyances.
Share decision-making responsibilities and be willing to compromise.
Be clear about your views and interests so your partner knows where you stand.
Tomassi says that men need to define the terms of their relationships with women by being assertive, confident, and in control.
Describe your most recent date. How did you feel while you were on the date? (For instance, consider whether you felt confident or insecure, sexy or unattractive, and appreciated or taken for granted.)
What do you think caused you to have those feelings? Consider what your date said or did that may have caused them (for example, compliment you, tease you, touch you, or ignore you). Also, consider what you said or did that may have caused them (for example, the clothing you wore, the posture you displayed, or the decisions you made).
What didn’t you say or do that you really wanted to? Why did you hold back? (Consider whether you were trying to be a “nice guy” or whether you’ve internalized some disempowering messages about how men “should” be or act in relation to women.)
If you could re-do the date again, what would you do differently to feel more empowered and in control of the date? (Remember Tomassi’s advice: exude confidence and control, stay connected to your value as a man, and be assertive.)
Tomassi says that men need to be clear about what they want and need in a partner so they choose partners who satisfy them and ignite true passion.
Describe your ideal romantic partner. (Consider qualities like appearance, values, social status, occupational status, how she acts around you, and any other qualities that are important to you.)
Now rank each of those qualities (1 = nonnegotiable, 2 = important, 3 = nice to have). Why did you rank the qualities the way you did?
Looking at your current or previous romantic partners, describe how well those people measure or measured up against the qualities you just listed. See if you can identify any themes, and write down your insights. (For example, do you repeatedly choose people who are too needy or who treat you poorly?)
What can you do differently to find partners who more closely match your list of ideal qualities? (Consider Tomassi’s tips: Prioritize your interests and beliefs, say no when women try to negotiate for sex, and stay connected to your value as a man.)
Describe the kind of romantic partner you want to be. What, if anything, would you need to do differently to be that kind of partner? (Consider Tomassi’s advice to build your value by working on your fitness, advancing your education and career, expanding your social network, and being unpredictable.)