The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman is a guide to understanding how to love your partner better and create a deeper emotional connection in your relationship. This book helps you learn to speak your partner’s love language, providing the tools to effect the right kind of change in your relationship that will allow it to last.
All relationships, even the best ones, will experience a decline in the euphoria of first falling in love. The period of being in love can last up to two years. The loss of that love high may leave some feeling like they’ve failed or the relationship was not meant to be. But maintaining a loving relationship is vastly different than falling in love.
We each have a love tank. Our love tanks are similar to gas tanks, in that, we operate best in a relationship when our love tanks are full.
When you are falling in love, the object of your affection is all consuming. You want to stay in that warm and exciting space with them, and you go out of your way to do things for them or support them. You do this so they know you are falling for them and want them to be in your life. When you are falling in love, everything the other person does feels magical and fills your tank.
When that initial burst of love begins to fade, you and your partner revert to the people you were before the relationship. Only now, you must find a way to be you within the long-term relationship. The focus tends to turn from their happiness to your own, and your measure for it stems from your expectations of what a loving relationship should look like. This reality can leave you and them feeling unloved when those expectations aren’t met, draining your tanks.
The problem lies in the way you each understand love. There are five languages of love each person speaks: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Each language corresponds to the types of actions or behaviors that make someone feel the most loved.
Likely, you speak a different language than your partner. Communicating love through different languages is like trying to have a conversation in English with someone who only speaks Italian. Once you learn which language your partner speaks, you can start to address them through that language and fill up their love tanks.
Words of Affirmation are words or phrases you say to your partner to make them feel good about who they are and what they do. These words can be compliments, words of encouragement, remarks that express kindness, or those that signify your faith in them.
Quality Time is time dedicated solely for the purpose of being with your partner without distractions. A person with this language wants to simply be with their loved one. The activity is secondary to the actual act of being together. Time may mean actively engaging in meaningful conversation, participating in an activity that they like, even if you don’t, or having dinner together without watching TV or using electronic devices.
Receiving Gifts represents the act of giving a gift as a symbol of love. A gift equates to thought, and to a person with this love language, that thought is felt as love. The type of gift is less important than the effort to procure it and the desire to give it.
Acts of Service are things done to make life easier for your partner. Whether you act to remove a burden from their life, help out, or provide space for them to do something else, these acts of service will tell a partner with this language that they and their time are respected.
Physical Touch signifies a person who feels love most through intimate contact. Touches can be large or small and intimate or casual. The most important thing to learn about a partner who speaks this language is their specific preference for touch.
Determining your love language is not always easy. Figuring out which language your partner speaks can be even harder. There are a few clues that might help you understand you and your partner’s languages better.
Think about what you desire most from your partner or the ways in which you feel most loved.
Think about what makes you feel hurt or unloved.
Think about how you show love to your partner.
Thinking about your partner in similar terms can provide an understanding of their language. What do they ask for the most? What do they frequently complain about? What do they do most often to show you love?
Consider speaking in one language for a week for five weeks to see how your partner reacts. The bigger the reaction, the more likely they speak that language.
Deciding to learn and act accordingly within your partner’s love language is a choice. If their language differs from yours, the effort required in that choice may be great.
But if the goal is to make your partner feel secure, confident, and loved, speaking the right language will make that happen.
There is no one way to express love or fill your tanks. But if both people in a relationship can make the effort, your tanks will begin to fill. Love can be rebuilt at any stage in a relationship. And once you have full love tanks, the chances of it lasting and staying positive are great.
Society is built around the idea that marriage is the ultimate culmination of love. This type of committed relationship feels necessary, even required for a happy life. Although there are many ways to be happy, many agree that a loving relationship is advantageous.
Keeping love alive is the topic of seminars, books, television, movies, and conversations with friends and family. Yet, the divorce rate highlights the lack of success many couples have in maintaining love after marriage.
If a long-term loving relationship is desired, learning how your partner understands and receives love is necessary. But first, you must understand the difference between falling in love and maintaining love.
The problem with many relationships is not that love has dissolved, but rather that love is misunderstood. When we understand that each person speaks in their own love language, we can start to communicate our love better.
Like spoken language, each of us has learned to speak a certain love language. Our native, or predominant, language of love stems from our childhoods and the influences of our parents and siblings. Others have developed their own languages based on their experiences with their parents or past relationships.
If we meet people with different languages but only communicate in our own, our ability to engage with and understand others is hindered.
The same is true for love. If we speak one love language and our partner speaks another, the same barriers will exist. We will never understand how to love one another properly.
If we want to be able to love another person successfully, we need to learn which love language they speak.
A desire to love our partners is not enough. We must actively attempt to determine which love language our partner speaks to build and maintain love in our relationships.
There are five love languages, or five ways that people feel and accept emotional love.
When these actions or behaviors are performed for someone speaking the corresponding language, the result is a feeling of being truly loved.
Within those five languages, the expression of love is limitless. Only a lack of effort or imagination hinders our ability to express our partner’s brand of love.
It is usually uncommon for partners to speak the same love language. From the beginning, this difference can be flummoxing. When we approach love through the lens of our language, we assume our partners will understand our love. When they don’t, we feel unappreciated or confused.
The reality is that what we need regarding love, dictated by our love language, may not suitably address the way our partners need love based on their language. But once we learn what our partner’s language is and how to communicate through it, we will be able to express love in a way that satisfies and enriches them.
(Shortform note: The 5 Languages of Love discusses how to understand the different ways people need and accept love from one another. This book focuses on love between married couples and strictly heterosexual relationships. However, the principles found in this book are relevant to any couple, including those in same-sex marriages and those in long-term dating relationships. Therefore, the following summary will address the information from this wider vantage, referring to a general partner in any type of committed relationship.)
Now that you understand that different ways of communicating love exist, you can determine whether you are speaking the right language in your relationship.
Think about the last time you did something out of love for your partner that didn’t receive the desired outcome of appreciation. What was it?
What language do you think your action fell under? Is this language your preferred way of showing love?
Our love tanks are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love. The desire for love stems from a primary urge within us to fill our tanks.
When our love tanks are full, everything seems possible. The world seems more open and beautiful.
When our love tanks are empty, our worldview can become narrow and pessimistic.
We are animals in nature. Just as the lion has a primal urge to hunt, humans have a primal need to experience intimacy and affection. Committed relationships are sought to address that urge and keep our love tanks full forever.
But being in love is not the same thing as living with love.
When we fall in love, we are experiencing a temporary filling of our love tanks because of the love high, regardless of how it is delivered. In this early state, we feel euphoric and understood. We feel powerful and confident.
But the in-love experience is short-lived. As the euphoria wanes, our primal urge for our specific brand of love will reemerge. We will desire to receive love according to our language for it to remain over time.
When we stop feeling our particular love needs being met, our tanks will slowly drain. And a relationship with a foundation of empty tanks is not sustainable. When we feel our needs going unmet, our desire to meet the needs of our loved one diminishes. Empty tanks may lead to arguments, estrangement, and resentment.
Full tanks create an environment where love can be examined and curated for each partner’s needs.
Maintaining a full love tank is as important in a long-term relationship as having a full tank of gas is for operating a car. Without gas, our cars won’t run. We will be stranded on the side of the road. Likewise, with a full tank of love, we can venture forward on our journey with our partners unimpeded.
The word “love” has become a catchall for expressing our likes or appreciation of something. For example, we may love it when it rains, but we also love pizza and our pets.
We love our partners, but we also may love a good joke or our favorite band. These general uses create a washed-out significance for the word, which can distance us from understanding what it really means.
When we talk about love in a romantic relationship, we mean love that addresses our emotional selves. These emotional selves are constructed by our early experiences of receiving love or the opposite.
For instance, a child that receives love, companionship, and support from their parents will have a more stable idea of self and love. A child that does not receive adequate love will likely have a confused and desperate need for love and become emotionally unstable.
To ensure full love tanks in our relationships, we must acknowledge that we each bring different experiences and expectations into a relationship. Once we understand our foundations of love, we can start addressing how to fill each other’s love tanks.
Think of your love meter as the gas gauge on your car’s dashboard.
When you imagine your relationship, visualize your love meter. Where does it sit between full and empty?
When was the last time your love tank was full?
What actions or behaviors by your partner caused your love tank to drain either a little or a lot?
We all enter long-term relationships via the emotions created during the first few weeks or months or years of the union. When we meet someone we find attractive or mesh with, we feel a spark inside. Like lightning, that spark electrifies our dormant heart. We begin to take in every word, action, or look as fuel for our tanks.
When we find the person we feel is “meant to be,” we become preoccupied with the feeling of love. All we want to do is swim in the sea of that new love—hugging, kissing, doing everything together. When we are without them, our thoughts of that person distract us from the realities of life.
We put on rose-colored glasses when we find love, and the world appears in that perfect hue until we are unable to remember what the world really looks like.
We assume this is how the world will look from now on with this person by our side. If we are old enough or experienced enough, we understand that love requires compromise and arguments will happen. But the person who is in love will assume that their love will conquer all difficulties that may come.
Yet, the rest of the world does not stop functioning because we are caught in our euphoric dream. Reality will butt back in. We all eventually return to the selves we were before we fell in love.
As we move farther into our relationship, the newness wears off. The little eccentricities or habits of the object of our affection, which once were so cute, start to show themselves as character traits that may or may not fit with our reality.
When reality starts to resurface, the work of love begins.
The feeling of being in love usually only lasts up to two years. Outside of the falling-in-love bubble live responsibilities and basic human behaviors. If we can understand why love changes when the first blush of bliss fades, we can maintain a loving relationship.
The intrusion of base realities can quickly drain our energy and admiration of a loved one.
Back in reality, these factors add up, changing our view from “anything is possible” to “how can we make this work.” And the love tank continues to deplete. From this diminished place, love has been lost or forgotten. Resentments grow when we feel the love we fell in love with fall by the wayside. A lack of love—or an emotion or action expressing the opposite of love—can feel like a dagger to our hearts.
The issue isn’t that the love we share isn’t real or strong enough. The issue is that we believed that falling in love was all that was required. We felt that our new love represented personal growth. The blindness of love made us believe we had found the person we were willing to sacrifice anything for, and vice versa.
But humans are created with ego. Every relationship includes two individuals with different wants, needs, and behaviors. Our lives are designed to create experiences that serve our needs best.
After we leave the love bubble, we will strive to create our brand of life again. We will declare our desires once more, and our partners will do the same. As those desires begin to differ, the intimacy we felt with our partners will dwindle. We begin to realize that the “one body, mind, and spirit” we thought we’d created is a fallacy.
Many couples will assume that when the euphoric love fades, their only options are to break up or settle for a complacent or diminished life. The trend now seems to be the former. But a few generations ago, couples chose the second option and found a way to make it work. Neither option is beneficial for a fulfilling life.
The only solution to finding happiness again with a partner is to be realistic about the beginning and what is required of the rest of it.
If we accept that the newness of a relationship and love high are finite, we will be prepared for the moment that sensation ends. If we understand that falling in love will eventually lead to intentional love, we can avoid many pitfalls other couples fall into.
Intentional love means love created through deliberate effort.
Keeping a healthy loving relationship requires fortitude and discipline. Love is a decision, not a reaction to an emotional stimulus.
A relationship requires us to grow out of our individual ego to understand and address our partners’ needs. We must actively choose to expend the energy to meet those emotional needs. We must understand that the more our partners’ needs are met, the more joy we will find in having learned to love them so well.
Although the idea of love as work is not romantic, it is impossible for lasting love to start until the euphoric love ends. For couples in long-term relationships, this fact is advantageous. If we know that real love begins once the love high ends, we will realize that staying in love is completely within our power.
Love, therefore, is not about chance or luck, but about an attitude of wanting to be loving.
We know that when we find ways to express love, we are filling up our partners’ love tanks.
In turn, we know that with a full tank, our partners will feel satisfied and stable in our relationships, and we will reap the benefits.
For instance, if one partner feels fully loved and recognizes the efforts by the other to support that feeling, they will likely want to reciprocate. The love will start to flow back and forth. This flow can be endless if the effort continues.
If we choose to love our partners, we must choose the right path to express that love. Whether that path is through Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch will be dictated by our partners’ preferences. But once we know what that preference is and learn the intricacies of how to approach it, we can begin taking the right actions to intentionally show them love.
You now know that losing the high of falling in love is universal and nothing to be ashamed of. From this position, you can examine the ways in which love has been created or lost in your relationship.
Think about falling in love with your partner. Name one feeling or action by your partner you recognize as causing that sensation to dwindle?
Did that feeling or action have a long-term effect on your relationship? Why or why not?
Can you tell what language you might speak based on the nature of the identified feeling or action?
For people whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, supportive and complementary words make them feel the most loved. Actions and physical intimacy are not as important as affirming words. Speaking this language to your partner means finding small or large ways of expressing approval and gratitude for who they are and what they do.
Affirming words are immensely useful when trying to express love.
Within the language of Words of Affirmation are varied dialects, meaning there are different categories of affirming words. Certain types of affirming words will strike different chords depending on the dialect your partner speaks. All Words of Affirmation are beneficial to one who speaks this language, but learning which particular dialect they speak will make the effort more fruitful.
Complimentary affirmations can be simple expressions of flattery or approval.
For instance, telling your partner they “have a great sense of style” or “you are proud of how they handled the rude server” gives them a spark of pride and assurance in who they are.
Likewise, telling your partner how thoughtful they are for picking up dinner or taking the trash out lets them know you see their efforts and appreciate them. When people feel as though their efforts are appreciated, they are likely to do more things to be appreciated for.
The point of affirming words is not to manipulate your partner. When you give your partner compliments, you are doing so because you know that is their love language. You know that through your words of respect, your partner will feel loved. If your partner feels loved, they are more likely to continue putting forth effort.
Instead, if you compliment your partner only as a way to get them to comply to something, you are putting your own needs before theirs. For instance, if you compliment your partner’s cleaning skills knowing it will make them clean more—so you don’t have to—the act is disingenuous. Your partner may realize your lack of sincerity, and their love tank may begin to drain.
When giving a partner with this love language a compliment, be sure it is genuine and done simply to make them feel loved.
When you provide encouragement to someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation, you are bolstering their spirit. You are telling them you believe in them. Your belief helps them feel strong and motivated.
Encouragement is the act of inspiring courage. All humans have moments where courage is required. Sometimes, you are not able to find the courage you need. In those moments, you miss out on something you want or that brings goodness into your life. A lack of courage can lead to a lack of prosperity.
When your partner lacks courage, they aren’t able to achieve their full potential. These feelings of lost potential put a strain on their emotions and serve to drain the tank.
Providing encouragement for who your partner is or what they want to do will help them find the strength to reach that potential. Your partner may feel an inkling to do or create something, and they may be waiting for your encouragement to do so.
When your partner reaches their full potential and know you helped them do it, their love tank will fill up.
If you constantly criticize your partner, make an effort to stop. Find a way to support them through more positive words. Your partner will notice the change and feel loved. You will benefit from their empowered attitude.
Inspiring courage is not the same thing as pushing your partner into something. The desire for change must already be present in the other person for your words to be encouraging.
If your love language is not Words of Affirmation, you may find giving encouragement challenging. You may believe the need for those words is childish. But you can learn to be encouraging, even if it doesn’t come naturally. Learning what is important to your partner is the first step.
When we want to express love, the only place we can come from is one of kindness. Kindness means showing consideration, respect, and warmth toward others.
Phrases that are amicable or show affection, such as “You’re a loving parent,” “You bring so much joy to my life,” or “The way you are is wonderful,” go a long way in making someone feel special and respected.
By its nature, love is a positive feeling. Love is not inherently cruel or mean. In fact, it’s the opposite. Being kind through verbal communication is a tremendous way to give love to someone with this love language.
Using kind language is a choice and must be sincere.
The tone of the words is as important as the words themselves. People pay more attention to tone than words, so the tone must match the sentiment. You can say, “You’re a great guy,” but if the tone is snarky or sarcastic, the words carry a different meaning.
When said disingenuously, kind words can express contempt. When said sincerely, words express love.
Tone also makes less positive statements expressions of love. For example, It’s easy during disputes to express our hurt or anger in hurtful or angry ways. To a person whose love language is Words of Affirmation with a dialect of kindness, those expressions will cut like a knife and drain their love tank.
When you speak to communicate and heal, you are expressing love through your decision to approach your partner with kindness. That effort is love and will be experienced as such.
Likewise, when your partner approaches you with kindness, understand that their choice to do so stems from love.
You always have the choice to choose kindness. Even when your partner is speaking cruelly to you, your response can still be anchored in love.
Often, arguments are caused by miscommunication or unmet expectations. Being able to address those calmly and positively will lead to reason and reconciliation. Real love is accepting your partner for who they are and working to find a balance with sincerity and kindness.
You sometimes make mistakes or behave inappropriately. You know you are not perfect, and neither is your partner.
Bad or hurtful things are going to happen. There is no way around it. You can’t change what has already happened. You can only seek understanding and forgiveness and move forward better equipped for what lies ahead.
If you choose kindness, intimacy can be found. If you choose resentment, there is no room for love to be created.
Leave the past in the past. What happened yesterday doesn’t need to affect how you live today.
If your partner speaks the dialect of humility, they feel loved when you hold as much respect for their life as your own. Humility means understanding that your needs are not more important than your partner’s. It’s recognizing that what you want is not a right, but a desire.
When attempting to ask for something or elicit a certain response from your partner, humility means stating your desires as requests. When you request something, you are expressing an acknowledgment of your partner’s time and skills. You are expressing your faith and belief in their ability to meet your request successfully and on their own terms. When you make a request, you acknowledge your partner’s sense of agency. You are treating them as an adult.
Examples of humble requests:
On the contrary, when you make a demand, you are saying what you want is more important than what they want. You are saying you don’t trust your partner to handle things on their own.
Demands feel like a slap in the face. Demands stem from ego. Demanding is the act of ruling, and your partner will feel oppressed and like a child. Intimacy cannot grow in a romantic relationship if that relationship becomes that of a parent and child.
Examples of demands:
That feeling only leads to resentment or low self-worth. The result is an empty tank.
You may get what you want from a demand, but your partner won’t feel good about the act or loved. If they comply, the action will not be one of love but of fear or guilt. Love cannot grow from those feelings.
Requests also provide your partner with guidance on how they can make you happy. You are telling your partner they can be of use or provide something meaningful to your life.
If you say, “Do you think you could put air in my tires, please?” you’re telling your partner you trust their car maintenance skills and would benefit from them. You are saying you recognize that they are more adept than you are to fill your tires properly. This sort of statement fills them with pride and tells them you trust them.
If your partner fulfills your request, you and they both know it was an act of love. If they don’t, their choice not to do so speaks to their own failings at love or understanding, not yours.
Showing humility when addressing your partner who speaks this language will let them know you care. That feeling can fill their tanks and make them feel worthy.
You may not understand why words of affirmation are important to your partner if they aren’t to you. You may not know which words are the right ones if you never need to hear them. Learning to speak this language can be tricky if you are uncomfortable with words of affirmation or don’t understand how to give them. But there are ways to improve your affirmation vocabulary.
As you start to speak this language, your partner will receive it as love. Your success in creating this love in them will help guide your knowledge of which words are the right words.
If you say affirming things about your partner to others, they will likely lead back to your partner. They will feel your unprompted love and know it was sincere.
If you say affirming things about your partner to others in front of them, it will have the same effect.
Always give credit to your partner when something good happens to you.
Writing a loving note or a list of things you notice and respect about your partner lets them know you appreciate their specific contributions. They can return to these items again and fill their tank many times.
After twelve years of marriage and two children, Mark and Andrea had grown apart. Neither felt satisfied in the relationship, and they created a distance between them to avoid conflict. Andrea’s issues stemmed from the amount of time Mark spent working. Mark felt annoyed that his hard work was resented, rather than being seen as his way of providing for the family.
Because Mark’s love language was Words of Affirmation, it hurt him that Andrea never mentioned how much he did for them. He complained that he did so much to make sure the family was supported and had a good life, but she never appreciated it. Because Andrea’s language was not Words of Affirmation, she focused more on the ways his work took him away from the family instead of how it helped.
To address this problem, Andrea made a list of things she respected and appreciated about Mark. It turned out that many of the items centered around his business prowess and the stability she felt in their quality of life. She realized she did appreciate how his work provided for them.
Every week for two months, Andrea gave Mark a sincere compliment about something she recognized as a contribution he was making to the family. After a while, Mark started to feel strong and worthwhile, rather than like a failure at home. As a response, his love tank filled, which helped him find ways to address Andrea’s needs more.
You know how it feels to receive a compliment or receive kindness from your partner. If you know your partner speaks the language of Words of Affirmation, imagine what it would feel like to them if you reversed the direction of those words.
What is one thing you would love for your partner to say to you?
What could you say to reciprocate that feeling in them?
If you had to pick one thing your partner would most want to hear, what would it be?
People with the love language of Quality Time require moments of undivided attention from their partners. Spending time together is good. But more than just physical proximity, this language thrives on intentional and focused communication without outside distractions. When you spend quality time with your partner, you are telling them they are important.
Everyone is busy. There is a limited amount of time in every day. You may work during the day and have children to look after in the evenings. You may be pulled in ten different directions daily. You may feel too tired at night to do anything but watch TV.
When time is set aside for the one you love, it may feel like a sacrifice. To the person with this love language, that sacrifice speaks volumes. You are giving your partner a dedicated part of yourself, which is a powerful symbol of love.
When a person with this love language does not receive dedicated time, the love tank begins to drain. Even if you say nice things or do nice things for your partner, they will never feel satisfied or truly loved.
If you don’t share quality time with your partner, they may come to resent the ways you spend your time.
(Shortform example: After a busy day, your partner may like to sit on the porch with a glass of wine. They ask you to join them each night, but you prefer jogging to wind down. As your partner sits alone on the porch each night as you jog, they may begin to resent your jogging. Their bad feelings won’t really be about jogging. They will simply see it as the thing that steals your time.)
Think about Mark and Andrea from the last chapter. Andrea actually appreciated the way Mark worked hard and provided for the family. But because it took time away from her and the children, she started to resent how much he worked. Andrea’s love language is Quality Time, and the lack of it drained her tank, regardless of all the good things Mark did.
Quality time doesn’t have to mean long hours or outlandish outings. Simply giving your partner moments of distraction-free attention is enough to make them feel loved. Examples include:
Many couples believe they spend time together, but in reality, they simply happen to be existing separately in close proximity.
Understanding exactly what type of quality time is important to your partner will help you understand how to fill their tank. Like Words of Affirmation, there are varying degrees of quality time.
Quality communication means engaging in conversation about things that matter. When you share the events of your day, your thoughts, your fears, your hopes for the future, you are emotionally connecting with your partner. When you listen to their thoughts and feelings, you are showing them you care.
For people with this dialect, the act of simply talking is not enough. Discussing the news or the neighbors’ new car is not quality communication. Your partner wants to have meaningful dialogues about life. For instance, talking about your hopes for the future or a memory from childhood opens an emotional door for your partner to walk through.
These types of conversations signify a deep bond. Intimacy will be created, and their love tanks will fill.
When engaging in quality communication, your partner may want to share their thoughts and feelings with you. They will want you to listen attentively and respond in ways that show your engagement. They will want you to ask questions to go deeper.
The act of attentive listening, though, is not just about the good things. Your partner may want to air frustrations or their pain. Listening means hearing them without trying to fix their problems.
Humans are built to assuage negativity. Whether the problem is with the relationship or an external source, you may think you have the answers or solutions. You listen only long enough to formulate your argument or advice---“Just talk to your boss. Everything will be fine.” When those arguments or that advice is given in an unsympathetic way, such as “Stop complaining and do something about it,” the tank begins to drain faster.
People with this dialect seek communication, not ridicule or solutions. They want to share. Your partner will feel loved when you listen patiently to their grievances.
Rather than give advice or argue, ask questions to try to understand their struggles, such as “What do you think might make you feel better” or “Is there anything that will make your relationship with your boss better?”
Advice should be given only when asked for. And it should be given with empathy.
Focused and sympathetic communication is hard for some. If you have trouble listening, the following techniques can help.
Stay focused on your partner through eye contact. Wandering gazes signify wandering attention.
Listen without speaking. When you interrupt someone, it shows you are not listening completely. You are listening to know how to respond.
While listening, try to pick up on the emotions your partner is expressing with their words.
Use visual cues to understand your partner’s feelings.
To fill your partner’s tank, listening is not enough. They also want you to reciprocate by sharing. However, talking about your feelings may not come naturally. Perhaps you grew up in a home where emotional conversations did not occur. But if your partner speaks this language, you can learn to be more personally revealing.
Getting in touch with your feelings personally is a good place to start. Even if you have never considered your emotional state before, acknowledging you have emotions helps bring them to light.
Your emotions dictate your actions. When you start to understand how you feel, you can begin to understand how you behave and respond to others and life events. When you go about your day, begin to notice how you feel.
After a few days, you will begin to understand your emotions better. When you understand your emotions, you will be more comfortable expressing them. You will begin to understand how you feel about your relationship and things at home. You will be able to communicate those feelings more effectively.
Communication is the end goal. There is a balance between internal understanding and external expressions of emotions required in this love language.
Going too far out of balance can lead to situations where there is lack of balance in mutual communication.
But either of these patterns leads to an atmosphere capable of emptying the love tank. If the balance is shifted toward one person always sharing and one person always listening, the emotional bond is incomplete.
Creating a new pattern can help break this mold. Set aside time to communicate, and give each one of you time to share. When you each take turns sharing intentionally, you ensure that each of you is being heard and understood.
The need for this intention will likely vanish. You will have created a new sharing pattern. The flow of conversation will naturally become mutually distributed.
Spending time doing something specific and intentional is huge for people with this love language. What you and your partner do is secondary to the quality of your attention to each other.
The important element is to do something together. When you join together in the same activity, you are acknowledging that you enjoy spending time together. You are saying you care enough to make time to be with each other. The activity is merely the setting by which you each provide your full attention.
The activity may be something you both enjoy or only one of you enjoys. If you speak this dialect, you may feel love when your partner does something only you enjoy, and vice versa.
Because the focus is on spending time together, there are many activities that represent quality time. Making dinner, going to a museum, having a picnic, going to dinner, or exercising together are all intentional joint pursuits.
Intentional pursuits are done solely as a means to be together. This understanding creates an emotional connection and can motivate you to seek other pursuits. You will also have a collection of memories of being together. These memories will be of a loving relationship. Sharing them can bring you closer and keep your tanks full.
Creating space in your life for these activities is as important to your relationship as making time to sleep is for your health. But for the person with the love language of Quality Time, the sacrifices and efforts can create a deep feeling of love.
It can be hard for couples to find time to be together. But if this aspect of the relationship is important to one or both of you, learning to find that time is essential.
What was the last activity you and your partner did that was solely geared toward quality time together?
If it was something only you enjoyed, what activity might you reciprocate with for their sake? If it was something they enjoyed, what activity would you enjoy doing with your partner?
Name two things that hinder your ability to spend quality time with your partner. Is there a way to adjust or sacrifice one or more of them to create space for quality time?
You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts.” For the person with the love language of receiving gifts, that thought means more than anything else in the relationship.
A gift is a representation of thought. When you choose a gift for someone, you consider who they are and what they like. When you receive a gift, you know that person was thinking about you.
The act of obtaining and giving a gift symbolizes effort. The receiver of the gift feels love because that effort was made for them. It is not the size of the gift that matters. The gesture is everything.
Think about gifts you gave your parents as a child. Or, if you are a parent, think about how you feel when your child draws you a picture or makes you breakfast in bed. It warms the heart to feel that kind of love from them. It makes you feel special. You know their love is real and deep.
A gift can be considered a tangible symbol of love. The person with this language cherishes that symbol. Seeing it and feeling it reminds them of your love. If there is no tangible evidence of your love, your partner may have a hard time feeling it or believing in it.
The type of gift holds little importance.
If your partner speaks this love language, you may feel pressure to buy things all the time. Maybe you are not a natural gift giver or did not receive many gifts in your life. Learning to speak this love language is one of the easiest languages to master.
Everyone has given gifts to their loved ones. Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentine’s Day, and other holidays all carry traditions of giving gifts. For these occasions, you likely had to put some intentional thought into what to get your partner.
Past gifts can help you understand how to fill your partner’s love tank.
Beyond these occasions, giving gifts at random can fill your partner’s tank even more. People expect to receive gifts on certain days of the year. At these times, the quality of the gift may be the focus. In contrast, gifts given without a particular reason are acknowledged more for the symbolism.
A found or handmade gift given for no reason shows your partner you care and think about them often.
Sometimes, however, it is necessary to spend money on gifts. If spending money is not a comfortable or enjoyable activity for you, you may feel resentful of a partner with this love language. You may not understand why you need to spend money for your partner to feel loved. You may feel like sacrificing your security is too great a hardship.
The gift of you is sometimes the best gift you can give. This gift involves making yourself available in times of need or prioritizing your partner over other obligations when the moment requires.
Your physical presence and sacrifice become gifts. Your partner will understand the meaning of you being there, and their love tank will fill up.
If you refuse to give up your poker night or don’t realize the importance of being there for your partner during a difficult time, the resulting feeling will be of lack for your partner. The feeling of love will diminish. The memory will be of not receiving love.
Even if you do not understand the importance of your presence, a request from a partner who speaks the language of Receiving Gifts is significant. If your intention is to show more love to your partner, obliging their request will help you achieve just that.
This language differs from Quality Time in that a partner who speaks Receiving Gifts is not wholly interested in dedicated moments spent together. Instead, they appreciate the gift of your presence when they are in need of it.
If you speak the love language of Receiving Gifts, receiving gifts from your partner makes you feel special. You become filled with love because you know they were thinking of you. If your partner doesn’t give you gifts often, the depth of your love feelings may be shallow. You may not truly feel loved.
If this is your language, it is important for you to communicate it to your partner. You are not a mindreader, so you cannot expect your partner to be. Don’t expect them to understand how important something is to you or how much you enjoy tangible expressions of love.
When you do receive a small gift, let them know how much it means to you.
If you desire your partner’s presence, make sure they understand how important their being there is to you.
The more you can communicate your brand of love to your partner, the more equipped they will be to express it.
The language of Acts of Service encompasses the act of one partner doing things for the other person. These actions are made without prompting and with the sole intention of pleasing the other. Whether an act of service makes life easier for your partner or simply fulfills a known desire, your partner’s tank will fill with love.
Acts of service may be large or small.
The main message of an act of service is forethought and consideration. The thought and action together, when done without resentment, signifies love to your partner.
Speaking the language of Acts of Service means performing the right acts for your partner. Not every act will be taken as an act of love. Discovering what your partner’s particular desires are will ensure the maximum benefit of your actions.
If the actions performed do not match the desired actions, your partner may feel unimpressed or annoyed with the effort spent on the wrong things. In turn, you may feel resentful that your efforts are not appreciated.
For instance, you may think doing chores or cleaning the house are helpful acts, but if your partner desires help with the children or paying the bills, your hard work may go unnoticed.
(Shortform suggestion: You must understand what makes your partner happy and put effort toward those endeavors. There are a few ways to determine what acts are the right acts for your partner.
Listen to the things your partner complains about.
Pay attention to the little things that make your partner happy. Think about what they enjoy doing and how you might support those endeavors.
Look at your partner’s life and find ways to unburden them.
Make a list of a few things your partner could do to make you feel loved and have them make the same list.
Sometimes, you can determine which acts are the right acts by thinking about what has changed since your courtship. When you and your partner were in the in-love euphoria, you likely did small things for each other. As the euphoria faded, you likely settled into routines. The need to impress or extend yourself waned. The memory of how good those initial gestures felt informs your current relationship.
Expectations created through past experiences may also clue you in to which acts are important to your partner. They may have expectations for your role in the relationship based on how their parents behaved.
If your partner speaks the language of Acts of Service, understanding their life, feelings, and expectations can help you determine the best ways to show them love.
Choosing to express love to your partner through acts of service is a choice. Your partner has a similar choice if Acts of Service is your love language. Love is only expressed if the action comes from a loving place. Love is not exchanged when one of you feels like a doormat.
Coercion is not love. When you force your partner to act, they may do what you want, but the act will not be voluntary. You may be pleased that the thing is done, but your tank will not fill and your partner’s may drain.
Similarly, if you criticize your partner for not doing what you want, you create an environment where love cannot exist. Your partner will feel hurt, angry, or resentful. They may decide to act or not, but no love will be created.
If your partner speaks this language and often criticizes you or makes demands, you may also feel resentful. However, if you know these acts will translate into love, you can approach them in a positive way.
Listen to the things your partner criticizes you about. You might get clues on what sort of acts of service could express love to them.
Whether the tanks fill up depends on you. You are not required to do the things your partner desires. But if you don’t, you are doing so knowing you are not expressing love to your partner the way they need it.
It can be hard to know how to help you partner in a way they will appreciate. Learning what is important to them requires thought and understanding.
What is one thing your partner frequently complains about having to do around the house?
Name two ways you might be able to alleviate that burden.
What is another thing you think your partner would appreciate you doing for them?
What is one act your partner could do for you to unburden your life or make you happy?
Physical touch is recognized by everyone for its bonding effects, but for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love. With consistent physical contact, this person’s love tank is full. Without touch, this person feels unloved, and the love tank begins to drain.
The act of touching is a surefire way of expressing emotional connection. You hug your friends when they are upset. You hug and kiss your children to show you love them. You cuddle and are physically intimate with your partner.
The stimulating effect of touch has a wide scope. The body holds tactile receptors throughout, which send signals to the brain through the nerves when activated. The brain transforms these signals into sensations.
If you or your partner speak this love language, the act of touching will communicate emotions more than mere words could do.
Each person has their own particular preferences for how they like to be touched. Although the body feels touch everywhere, certain places are more sensitive than others for some people.
Certain ways of being touched in certain places create more intense feelings of pleasure or pain.
You and your partner are the best judges of what types of touches are pleasurable or uncomfortable. Listen to your partner’s feedback regarding touch.
Emotional connection through touch can be significant, such as romantic intimacy, or subtle, such as a squeeze of the arm or hand through the hair.
To speak this language effectively, becoming an efficient toucher is essential. Figure out the types of touches they like, and develop your skills accordingly.
If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, the sky's the limit for how you can make them feel loved. Learning what your partner likes and how you can keep your loving touches fresh can be a dynamic endeavor.
If you’ve never been touchy-feely, you might find hidden enjoyment in upping your physical contact.
The rewards of touching may be surprising.
Experimenting with touch can be a fun activity for you and your partner. The thought and act can express your love immeasurably.
Because the sensations of physical touch are universal and powerful, negative touches carry strong messages. Many don’t like to be touched by strangers, and they don’t hug or greet people they don’t like.
Within a relationship, the line between positive and negative touching may be vast or small. The boundaries are dictated by the couple. A violation of those boundaries results in inappropriate touching or abuse.
Similarly, physical contact or intimacy with someone who is not your partner, whether approved or forbidden, carries a powerful message.
Even if you or your partner does not speak the primary love language of Physical Touch, all relationships involve tactile intimacy. Now that you are thinking about the nature of touch, you can see how it plays a role in your relationship.
Beyond sexual intimacy, what is one way you recognize that your partner likes to be touched?
How many types of physical contact do you and your partner make daily?
How might you increase your physical connection with your partner that would please both of you?
Understanding what love language you speak is just as important as knowing your partner’s language for the relationship to remain loving and happy. Even if your partner’s love tank is full, if yours is not, a happy relationship will be hard to maintain.
You may find it easy to identify your language and that of your partner. Or, you may feel you speak more than one, and narrowing it down to a primary language may be hard.
For instance, many people use the gauge of sexual desire to determine their primary language. For men, sexual desire is more biological. For women, sexual desire tends toward a more emotional sensation. Either origin may cause a person to assume their love language is or is not physical touch.
However, a strong libido does not necessarily indicate a preference for touch. If you or your partner is very sexually active but can take or leave other forms of touch, Physical Touch is not the primary love language. Likewise, if you or your spouse is not overly interested in sexual intimacy but feels love most through subtle touches, Physical Touch may be the primary language.
When you determine the correct love language and adjust behavior to speak that language accordingly, you will begin to understand how to fill each other’s tanks.
Determining your love language is sometimes as easy as looking back at your life and relationship.
1. Reflect on what you desire most or what makes you feel most loved.
What you frequently want from your partner represents your need to feel love in a particular way.
2. Reflect on the ways in which you feel hurt or unloved.
Similarly, to find your partner’s language, recall moments when your partner was upset or hurt by your actions or lack of action.
3. Reflect on the way you treat your partner.
The things you do to show love for your partner indicate a feeling that love is best expressed in those ways. How you show your partner love can expose how you want to receive love.
Likewise, think about the ways in which your partner expresses love to you.
There are circumstances that increase the difficulty in discovering your love language.
For both instances, reflecting on the period of time when you were falling in love may provide clues to what language you speak.
Imagining your perfect relationship can clue you in to what language you prioritize, as well. In a perfect world, do you see yourself on vacation, hiking, making dinner together, watching as your partner tucks in the children, or holding each other in bed? Whatever you see can point to the type of love you want to feel.
Making a list of the five languages in the order you suspect their importance to be can help you begin to narrow your language down. Do the same for your partner.
Another thing to do with your partner is regularly check the level of your love tanks. A few nights a week, ask each other what level your love tank is on a scale of 1 to 10. Then, ask each other what you might do to improve it that evening.
Understanding your partner’s love language is a powerful tool. If you use the elements involved against them or for your benefit at their expense, you are not expressing love. Once you discover your partner’s primary language, remembering to use it solely to fill the love tank is vital.
Manipulation isn’t the only crime against the love languages. If you are aware of your partner’s primary language and do nothing to change your behavior, it is the same as saying you don’t care enough to love them fully or properly.
If your intention is to fully love your partner, make sure your actions express that desire.
Now that you know a few ways to determine your language, let’s see if you can narrow it down to one or two.
What is something your partner did recently that made you feel loved more than usual? Which language does that action fall into?
If you were sad or upset, what could your partner do to make it better today? Which language does that action fall into?
What is something you frequently request of your partner? Which language does that request fall into?
At the basis of all other emotions within a relationship is the sensation of love. When you feel loved, you feel less pressure, less alone, less anxiety, more secure, more confident, and more important.
Self-worth is tied into feeling loved.
Deep love gives you poise and strength.
Love can ease anxiety about the future.
Love is not a solution, but a catalyst for an atmosphere created in which positive interactions are fostered.
Understanding and speaking your partner’s love language is an active choice to communicate love. Love is always possible in a relationship, even one with many problems or past difficulties, if each partner chooses to create it.
Keeping your partner secure and emotionally satisfied is possible with the love languages. If you want them to feel that way, you can make the choice to do so.
Love in a relationship is different than complacency or comfortable contentment. You can learn to adapt and live comfortably with anything in life. But if you want to experience real love, you and your partner will need full love tanks.
When both people have full tanks, expressing and sharing love can become reciprocal and enjoyable.
No one is perfect. Mistakes get made. You cannot change the past, but if moving forward in your relationship is what you want, actively speaking your partner’s love language can start the process of healing and reconciliation.
You can choose to work on speaking your partner’s love language, or you can continue living as you have.
When you want to assuage an argument, acting within their specific language can signal to them your efforts and commitment.
If you and your partner are in a rut or spiraling toward the end, changing your behavior to match their love language can begin to fill their tanks and breathe life into your relationship.
If you’ve read this far, you probably believe it is important for your partner to feel loved. You probably want to be able to show them love in a significant way.
What do you assume your partner’s love language is?
What are three pieces of evidence to support this assumption?
In what ways can you speak your partner’s language beyond what you currently do?
Learning to speak each other’s love languages can have staggering effects on any relationship, even those on the brink of death.
Most relationships end because of negative patterns. Past hurts or resentments cloud our ability to love or feel loved.
Whatever the issues or patterns are, immediately learning and communicating through each other’s love languages can go a long way to rebuilding love in your relationship.
Love is a process. Even if you make the choice to speak your partner’s love language, they may not respond positively right away. The choice is yours to continue loving them and filling their tanks. As their tanks begin to fill, you may see improvement and progress. If not, at least you know you did everything you could to love them well.
After 10 years of criticism, mistreatment, and indifference from her husband, Glenn, Ann felt emotionally depleted and like her husband was her enemy. She thought she hated him, but she wasn’t ready to give up.
Ann learned about love tanks and the love languages. She understood that she couldn’t go back and erase the past years of pain. But she decided to try to learn to love Glenn again and make the choice to meet his emotional needs. Glenn, who always resisted therapy or the idea that he needed to work on anything, might or might not respond, but Ann would know she had made her choice at the end.
Ann’s biggest issue was the loss of time together. When they first fell in love, she and Glenn spent hours together talking or enjoying each other. But throughout their marriage, she began to feel like everything else in Glenn’s life was more important than spending time with her.
Glenn had a different attitude when they used to be more physically intimate. He also felt like Ann nagged him all the time. To understand what Glenn really needed, Ann asked him what she could do to be a better wife to him. She took the information he provided and used it to create a plan of action. She started looking for positive things in his life for which to provide words of affirmation. She also started initiating more intimate touches.
Afterward, Ann asked for feedback on how she was doing in being a better wife. Then, a week after receiving the feedback, she made specific requests of something he could do for her. Through this process, she was letting him know what her primary language was.
She followed this pattern of feedback and requests once a month for six months. At first, Glenn reacted cooly. But soon, he began providing more positive feedback and responded positively to her requests. Ann’s feelings began to improve as each request was addressed. They were able to learn what the other needs to feel loved and how to make the choice to communicate that love effectively.
Feeling the ending of a relationship approaching can be devastating and debilitating. Now that you understand the love languages, is there a way the negative patterns in your relationship can be improved?
What is a complaint your partner always brings up about you?
What is a possible solution to assuage this complaint?
If you engaged in this behavior or activity, what response would your partner likely have?
You and your partner are different, even if you have been together for a long time. As individuals, you bring your histories and baggage into your relationship. You have expectations for what you want or should receive from your partner. You have different ways of coping with anger and pain. You have different priorities.
When your love tank is full, you can meet your partner in a positive place to deal with your differences. With a full love tank, you are able to communicate better and appreciate each other.
With empty love tanks, the differences can turn to distance and resentment. An empty love tank can remove the desire to treat your partner with respect and compromise.
Divorce is prevalent in society, and the cause is likely numerous love tanks that were allowed to drain.
If your tank is empty, your partner’s tank is likely not far off. Taking time to learn each other’s love languages can start the process of rediscovering what love means to you and the enjoyment of building it and living with it every day.
1. What if I can’t figure out my love language or my partner’s?
If the information in Chapter 9 doesn’t help you understand your language or your partner’s, consider the 5-week experiment. Monday through Friday, try speaking one of the languages consistently with your partner. Take Saturday and Sunday off.
Try a different language in each week. You may notice a stronger reaction in your partner one week than another. Whichever week they seem to respond more strongly may indicate which language they speak.
The week you were most comfortable speaking one of the languages or found the most joy in performing the specific acts can also speak to your preferred language.
2. Will my love language change over time?
Like any inherent part of our personalities, our preferred love language tends to be developed when we’re young and stays with us. However, changes could occur if your priorities change.
3. Do children speak a certain love language?
Yes! Children definitely have a preference for how they receive love the most, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love in all ways. How children are loved will go a long way in determining how they love as adults and how they want to be loved.
Ensuring your child is loved through all languages will help build a well-rounded emotional individual.
Pay attention to how they behave with certain acts of love, and you can begin to understand what their primary language might be.
As a child grows older, their language is not likely to change, but they way want to receive love may change.
4. Are certain languages more common among men and women?
The love languages stem from an emotional place inside us. Although stereotypes of men seeking physical touch more than women or women desiring affirming words more than men abound, each person is different. What makes a person feel loved has less to do with gender than with emotional satisfaction.
Because there are so many ways a certain love language can be spoken, the unique nature of the act for your partner may be vastly different than another act within the same language for someone else.
5. What if my partner doesn’t respond to my speaking their language?
There are many reasons why your partner may not respond to your efforts to speak their language.
If your partner is not responding, the easiest choice to make is to give up. It’s not working, so why keep trying? But if you give up, you may be affirming your partner’s suspicions or convictions that your actions weren’t true or lasting. You may also stop too quickly, around the time when they were starting to come around or believe.
Instead, allow your partner time to get used to your new behavior. Communicate to gain an idea of how your efforts are being received.
Speaking your partner’s language is about showing them love, and you don’t need their approval to do so. Keep loving them as best as possible. If it looks like things are too far gone or they are unwilling to change, at least you know you loved them the best you could.
6. What if my partner won’t speak my language?
You cannot force your partner to love you more or better. All you can do is communicate your needs and desires. If you partner knows how you want to be loved and doesn’t comply, you may need to rethink your relationship, including what you want from it and what you can or cannot live without.
7. Is it ever too late to rekindle love in a relationship?
If love was there once, it can be there again if both people make an effort to learn to love the other well. If love has faded, it is likely because of hurt feelings or a perception of the other’s love fading as behaviors change.
Initiating the right kind of love to your partner can begin to fill their tanks. If they are willing to do what is necessary to fill yours, as well, love can start to be rebuilt.
With the knowledge you’ve gained from this summary, let’s see how it might apply to your current circumstances.
Which love language do you believe best represents you and why?
If you had to explain your love language to your partner, how would you do so?
What are some immediate steps you can take to improve your current relationship with the information you’ve learned about the 5 love languages?