How can you find and keep a happy relationship? In How to Not Die Alone, Logan Ury—behavioral scientist, dating coach, and Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge—presents a science-backed approach for finding the true love you’ve always wanted so you can do exactly what the title says.
In this guide, you’ll first learn about yourself: How are your patterns sabotaging your quest for true love, and how can you overcome them? Then, you’ll learn about your future partner: What kind of person should you be looking for, how do you meet them, and how can you get to know them effectively? Finally, you’ll learn about being in a relationship: How can you navigate the twists and turns effectively, how can you keep it happy long-term, and how can you end it smartly if you decide it’s not right for you? Along the way, you’ll discover how Ury’s advice compares to that of other relationship experts and learn further strategies to implement Ury’s suggestions.
Ury argues that the first step to finding a happy relationship is to understand your own behavior: How are you unwittingly sabotaging your quest for true love? In this section, you’ll discover how your dating pattern may be holding you back from finding the right partner.
Ury contends that there are three unhelpful “dating tendencies,” or patterns, that people fall into when looking for love: maximizers (or optimizers), romanticizers (or fairytale chasers), and hesitaters (or delayers). In this section, you’ll learn about each pattern, why it leads to unhappiness—and how to prevent your own pattern from sabotaging your dating life.
The first dating pattern is the maximizer, or optimizer. Ury explains that if you’re an optimizer, you want to be 100% sure you’ve made the right decision—so you do as much research as possible before choosing anything.
Unfortunately, Ury explains, optimizing often leads to unhappiness—mainly because it causes so much stress. You’ll date several people but struggle to commit to someone because you’re worried about missing out on someone better. And even if you do commit, you’ll torture yourself wondering if you made the right decision.
What to do instead: Ury recommends that optimizers learn to “satisfice: ” Find and commit to someone who meets your standards, even if they aren’t perfect. Doing so will make you happier for two main reasons: First, you’ll mitigate the stress of optimizing during the selection process because you’ll have clear standards by which to evaluate your choices. Second, by fully committing to your partner, you’ll avoid the stress of wondering whether you made the right choice after you’ve already selected someone because of a neurological phenomenon known as rationalization: If you finalize a decision (like selecting a partner), your brain will convince you that you’ve made the right choice.
Understanding Satisficers and How to Become One
Satisficing may sound simply like settling. But “settling” for a less-than-perfect option implies that a perfect option exists. In contrast, the 1956 paper that first described satisficing emphasized that it was a decision-making strategy used exclusively when making the objectively “best” decision is either impossible or unfeasible—as it is when dating.
So if satisficing is the better option, as Ury says, how do you develop the standards by which to select your partner? In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey recommends that you ask yourself several questions on topics like relationship expectations and your partner’s career. If the other person doesn’t meet these standards, you should break things off (or not date them at all).
That said, satisficing at one stage doesn’t guarantee you won’t agonize at later stages. Ury argues that rationalization convinces you that things you’ve already committed to are good choices. But in relationships, there are stages of commitment. So even if you satisfice and choose to date one person long-term, your desire to optimize might return when you start discussing marriage. To avoid this situation, Professor Barry Schwartz recommends regularly practicing gratitude for your partner. In The Paradox of Choice, he explains that reflecting on things you’re grateful for about your decisions (like your partner) can improve your happiness and let you avoid growing preoccupied with imagined alternatives (that might lead you to want to optimize again).
To satisfice effectively when dating, Ury recommends using an algorithm: Explore without committing for the first 37% of your dating life, then commit to the next top pick you see.
To do so, first find your Exploration Limit Age: [(Age You Want to Get Married - Age You Started Dating) x .37] + (Age You Started Dating). For example, if you want to get married at 28 and you started dating at 18, your exploration limit age would be 21.7. Once you reach your exploration limit age, review your partners and determine which partner you liked the best. (If you’ve already passed that age, review the partners you dated before you reached that age.) Commit to the next person you date whom you like better than your favorite ex-partner.
By following this formula, Ury explains, you’ll date enough people to know what kind of partner you want—but you won’t date so long that you miss out on all the good potential partners before they leave the dating pool.
(Shortform note: In an ideal world, the 37% algorithm would guarantee that you learned what you like in a partner and committed to the best possible partner before every good possibility left the dating pool. In reality, experts point out that dating according to the 37% algorithm has two major risks. First, you might luck out and have an amazing first partner, but if you followed the algorithm, you’d reject them anyway. Second, you might have a string of terrible early partners—leading you to commit to a mediocre partner who’s better than the people you’ve dated but is a poor candidate when compared to the rest of the dating pool.)
The second dating pattern is the romanticizer, or a fairytale chaser. Ury explains that if you’re a fairytale chaser, you approach dating with an attitude that your relationship happiness depends on whom you’re dating.
Ury explains that approaching dating with this attitude also causes problems. Notably, fairytale chasers tend to envision their ideal soulmate—so when dating, they may overlook great candidates who don’t exactly match this ideal. Additionally, fairytale chasers believe that finding a good partner guarantees a blissful, problem-free relationship. So when their relationship inevitably hits a rough patch, they assume they’re with the wrong person and start to look for someone else, beginning the cycle anew.
What to do instead: If you’re a fairytale chaser, Ury recommends that you shift your attitude and develop a mindset that a happy relationship depends on how hard you work at it. With this mindset, you’ll temper your expectations regarding what your soulmate is like and thus grow more open to dating great people who don’t match your ideal. And you’ll realize that all relationships have some issues, so you’ll be willing to work on them when they inevitably arise.
Other Reasons to Shift Your Relationship Mindset
Fairytale chasers might also struggle because they base their fulfillment on an external factor. In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle warns that if you look for others to make you happy, you’ll never find true happiness—even if you do find someone who matches your ideal soulmate, this partner is bound to make a mistake at some point. This will then lead to disappointment and fear that your partner doesn’t complete you, which may cause you to lash out at your partner.
So what should you do? Like Ury, Tolle recommends shifting your mindset. But rather than focusing on working hard at your relationship, Tolle recommends that you stay present in your relationships. Notice when disappointment and fear lead you to attack your partner. Growing more aware of these patterns will improve your ability to resist them and thus make you less likely to cause conflict that might lead you to question your relationship. Tolle also emphasizes that love exists within you, so you don’t need to date someone who matches an ideal; instead, learn to accept the relationships and partners that you encounter as they are.
The third dating pattern is the hesitater, or the delayer. Ury explains that if you’re a delayer, you want to date but don’t take any steps toward finding a long-term partner because you don’t feel confident dating. Instead, you’ll repeatedly insist that you’ll start dating “when X happens”—whether X is financial stability or a better haircut.
However, Ury contends that delayers fare poorly in the long run because they forfeit two big learning opportunities. First, dating involves a particular skill set—such as an ability to communicate well. If you delay dating, you never develop these skills, so you never learn how to date effectively. Second, you can only learn what you prefer in a long-term partner by dating several different people: For example, someone intrigued by non-monogamy may discover that they don’t enjoy it as much as they expected. If you don’t date, you don’t discover what you actually want.
When Delaying Dating Works Out
Although Ury focuses primarily on the problems with delaying dating, other relationship experts focus on the positives. For example, in Models, Mark Manson argues that heterosexual men living with their parents rarely have luck with women. He therefore recommends that such men wait until they move out before trying to meet any women. Otherwise, they won’t be able to attract a woman to go out with—so they won’t go out on dates and thus won’t develop the skills necessary to date effectively.
Delaying dating may also help you figure out what you want in a partner. Unlike Ury, some relationship experts argue that dating without a clear idea of who you want is a waste of time—you’ll settle for incompatible partners who temporarily ease your loneliness instead of continuing to search for compatible partners who meet your needs. To discover what you want and help clarify what you’re seeking in a partner, journal about your ideal relationship.
So if you’re a delayer, Ury recommends that you just start dating. This may be difficult since humans suffer from what behavioral scientists call an “intention-action gap”—a disconnect between what we want to do and what we do in reality. One main strategy to overcome this disconnect is to set a deadline to start dating—one that’s short enough to spur you into action but far enough away that you can prepare. Ury recommends setting a deadline three weeks from today.
(Shortform note: Some psychologists theorize that we suffer from an intention-action gap because we prefer immediate rewards to long-term benefits. In other words, we don’t date—even though we know it will benefit our future selves—because it requires a lot of short-term work. So how can you motivate yourself to do this short-term work? Like Ury, experts recommend setting short deadlines, but they suggest adjusting the lengths based on what motivates you. If big goals motivate you, a three-week deadline to “start dating” works great. But if big goals intimidate you, break down “start dating in three weeks” into smaller goals with even shorter deadlines, like “create a Tinder profile in two days.”)
In addition to understanding your dating patterns, Ury recommends learning your attachment style as it might also be sabotaging your attempts to find true love.
Ury explains that people fall into one of three attachment styles, which are the beliefs and behaviors that determine how you function in intimate relationships. Anxious attachers are preoccupied with making their relationship solid and constantly seek reassurance from their partner. Avoidant attachers don’t trust that others can meet their desire for intimacy, so they strive to maintain emotional distance from their partner. Secure attachers are nurturing, responsive, and comfortable with intimacy.
How Others Define Attachment Styles
Ury focuses exclusively on secure, anxious, and avoidant attachers, but not everybody agrees on the names of the attachment styles nor their number. While secure is a universal term, anxious attachment is also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment, and avoidant attachment is also known as dismissive-avoidant attachment.
Moreover, some psychologists suggest a fourth attachment style: fearful-avoidant%2C%20and%20secure.). People with this attachment strive to maintain emotional distance from their partner—but unlike their dismissive counterparts, who view themselves positively, they have a negative self-image that often causes turmoil. For example, they might create drama if dating a secure partner because they don’t trust that the relationship can be happy.
If you’re an anxious or avoidant attacher, Ury recommends two strategies to ensure that your attachment style doesn’t sabotage your dating life. First, date secure attachers, who are better able to meet your intimacy needs. Second, practice managing your knee-jerk reactions in pursuit of happiness. Instead of panicking, anxious attachers should learn productive ways to soothe their nerves when their partners don’t provide immediate reassurance. Instead of withdrawing, avoidant attachers should learn to communicate when they want emotional distance.
(Shortform note: How exactly can you date secure attachers, learn productive ways to soothe your nerves, or communicate that you want emotional distance? To date secure attachers, look for people who fit the acronym CARRP: Secure attachers tend to be consistent, available, reliable, responsive, and predictable. To soothe your nerves, think of a calming image and take deep breaths to help you focus on it. And when you tell your partner you need some distance, also telling them how important they are to you can soften the blow.)
Now that you’ve learned about what kind of dater you are, it’s time for the next step: finding a good partner. In this section, you’ll first learn what kind of partner you should be looking for. Then, you’ll discover how to meet good people—both on- and offline. Finally, you’ll learn how to maximize your chances of finding a good relationship by learning how to date properly.
According to Ury, many people struggle to look for the right qualities in a long-term partner. This happens for two reasons. First, we have a tendency to prioritize immediate benefits over future benefits. Second, we tend to assume that whatever gets our attention is more important than what doesn’t. When dating, these tendencies lead us to prioritize qualities that don’t indicate long-term compatibility.
For example, you might look for an extremely good-looking person because you want to find them hot and their looks grab your attention. But good looks and lust both fade—so how physically attracted you are to someone isn’t a good measure of compatibility.
How Societal Expectations Harm Our Search for Love
By focusing on our tendencies to prioritize immediate benefits and to assume that attention-grabbing qualities matter, Ury implies that our inability to look for the right qualities in a long-term partner is an innate human flaw. However, one blogger suggests that we’re unable to find the right partner due to damaging societal expectations.
If we could study how to find and create healthy relationships the way we study how to create a business—such as by analyzing what worked in the past and implementing changes in the future—we could improve our ability to find good partners. But since society encourages us to approach love instinctually instead of logically, we don’t learn how to find good partners and thus choose bad ones.
Societal expectations can also harm your relationship if you do choose to date someone you’re extremely attracted to—if you perceive that person to be more attractive than you are. This perception, which is often fueled by how others treat your relationship, may lead to insecurity on your part and thus a less happy relationship.
So what should you be looking for? Instead of putting superficial qualities like looks at the top of your list, Ury recommends focusing on the following criteria for long-term relationship success:
1) Look for someone who is nice and even-tempered—both qualities that researchers have found are highly predictive of long-term relationship success. Nice people treat people who can’t help them (like service workers) well; even-tempered people respond with grace even when they’re stressed.
When Kindness and Even-Temperedness Don’t Help
While choosing a partner who’s kind and even-tempered may help you develop a long-term relationship, it’s not a guarantee. Researchers suggest that while kind people will treat their partners well, their kindness doesn’t improve the relationship unless the receiving partner expresses gratitude for this kindness. So consider complimenting your partner when they treat others—like service workers—kindly.
Additionally, if you’re not even-tempered, choosing an even-tempered partner can backfire. If you stress out over something that your partner doesn’t consider a big deal, you’ll grow upset that they don’t understand you, leading to even more stress for both parties. Avoid this trap by choosing a partner who’s only slightly more or less even-tempered than you are.
2) Look for someone with whom you can get through the hard times. Such a person will have a growth mindset—a belief that people can learn and improve—so they’re prepared to fight through challenges, both in your relationship and in their own lives.
This includes being good at fighting with you: Your arguments should be productive and not instill fears about the health of your relationship. Relationship researchers contend that someone who’s good at fighting well will have two main characteristics. First, they’ll find a healthy way of dealing with the unsolvable conflicts that make up most couples’ arguments, like how often one partner wants to spend time with their friends. Second, they’ll actively try to defuse the tension during fights, such as by apologizing when they’re wrong.
How to Become a Partner Who’s Good During Hard Times
Ury recommends looking for someone who already has a growth mindset and is good at fighting, but these are both skills that you can develop—which might be helpful if you already have a partner or are trying to become a better long-term candidate yourself.
To develop a growth mindset, actively confront and reframe thoughts that suggest that you can’t improve. For example, if you struggle to learn drawing, confront your immediate thought of “I’m bad at art” and reframe it into “I can improve my art if I work at it.” To deal with unsolvable conflicts constructively, switch from complaining about what you dislike to requesting what you want, which will make your partner more open to fulfilling some portion of your request. And to defuse the tension during fights, learn to customize your apology to your partner’s needs—some people prefer dramatic apologies while others prefer a brief acknowledgment.
3) Look for someone who has a complementary personality. Many of us assume we’ll be happy with someone just like us—but research doesn’t support this finding. Rather, find someone who helps you be your best self. For example, if you’re set in your ways, someone who’s adventurous might pull you out of your shell and help you try new things.
(Shortform note: Researchers add that someone with a complementary personality might make a better long-term partner because they’re good at the things you struggle at. For example, an extroverted partner might enjoy talking to the kids’ teachers, while an introverted partner might be better at helping with the kids’ math homework.)
Once you know what kind of partner you want, how do you actually find them? Ury recommends several strategies for meeting people—both offline and online.
To meet people offline, Ury recommends two strategies. First, go to events. Optimize your chances of meeting someone great by attending events that facilitate connections and that you’ll likely enjoy: You’ll have a good time even if you don’t meet any potential partners. Consider local meetups, volunteering, or athletic leagues.
You should also connect with people at the event. Start by going alone, since people are more comfortable talking to people who are by themselves than big groups. Introduce yourself to at least one person; if you’re shy, practice first by introducing yourself to people you’re not attracted to. Be friendly during your conversation—and if you find someone you like, ask for their contact information so that you can follow up later.
Other Ways to Meet and Talk to People Offline
Ury’s event strategy focuses on exposing yourself to more people by attending more formal events: Meetups, volunteering, and athletic leagues all involve signing up for something. But if you’re afraid to go to a formal event alone, relationship experts also suggest making small changes to your routine, like signing up for a different workout class at your regular gym. Making small changes feels easy because you’re only veering slightly outside of your comfort zone, but these changes still allow you ample opportunities to meet and practice talking to new people.
Once you meet someone who intrigues you—whether romantically or just as a friend—how exactly should you approach them? In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine recommends the following strategies to converse with strangers: Make eye contact with someone who’s also alone. Smile at them—if they smile back, walk up and introduce yourself. Learn their name and break the ice with anything you can think of; the key is that you show genuine interest in their answer. Ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. And at the end, regardless of whether they provide their contact information, express gratitude for conversing with them: This leaves the other person feeling good and makes you seem confident.
Ury’s second strategy is to go on blind dates set up by people you know. To do this successfully, first ask your connections for help, describe the type of person you’re looking for, and send them some good photos of you. Then, actually go on the date—and always provide feedback. They’ll appreciate your gratitude if it was a great date. Otherwise, telling them what you liked and what you didn’t will help them provide you with better options next time or allow them to gently point out if you’re being unreasonable.
(Shortform note: Other relationship experts have additional strategies for getting set up and still maintaining a good friendship. First, your friends might be reluctant to set you up because they’re worried about the outcome, so when asking for introductions, specify that you won’t blame your friends if the relationship goes south. Second, if you’re nervous about a one-on-one date, ask to go on a double date, which can help relieve some of the initial awkwardness. Third, while you should always provide feedback, don’t pester your friends for your date’s opinion of you, which may result in an awkward situation.)
To meet someone online, Ury recommends three strategies for improving your odds: Keep an open mind, limit the number of people you date at once, and present yourself well.
First, Ury recommends that you keep an open mind when swiping: Reconsider and readjust your filters, and don’t reject someone based on a single trait. Why? Ury explains that apps encourage you to judge people based on limited information and arbitrary criteria. But in real life, we constantly meet people who challenge our initial assumptions about what we want in a partner. For example, you might decide you never want to date a vegetarian because you think they’re all hippies, but then you meet someone great who’s a vegetarian for health reasons. So by judging people too harshly, you may be filtering out a potentially great partner.
(Shortform note: Other relationship experts present an alternate reason to expand your criteria when dating online: You might be going after people who are out of your league. In real life, we flirt with people based partly on environmental cues. For example, you might approach a cute, friendly woman instead of the supermodel-gorgeous one who’s standoffish toward all the men who approach her. But online, these environmental cues—such as the information that one woman is friendly toward men while the other repeatedly rejects them—don’t exist. So you’re more prone to going only for people who are far more attractive than you are.)
Second, Ury recommends that you limit the number of people you date simultaneously. If you date too many people at once, you won’t get to know any of them on a deeper level. But if you limit the number of people you date, you maximize your chances of getting to know someone well and thus connecting with them romantically.
(Shortform note: Other dating experts agree that you should limit the number of people you date simultaneously to maximize your chances of connecting with someone, but the exact number they recommend varies widely. Some experts suggest that dating three people simultaneously is most manageable; others suggest that you can date up to nine people simultaneously—although this number includes people you’ve met in person and people you’re just talking to on an app.)
Third, Ury recommends that you present yourself well. To do so, pick great photos that clearly represent what you look like today. For best results, send a selection of photographs to your friends, since your friends are typically better than you are at choosing which photos you look best in. Additionally, create a profile that invites conversation by providing specific details about your life that someone can easily comment on. For example, instead of writing, “I like books,” list your top five books.
(Shortform note: Other relationship experts present slightly different strategies for picking great photos and creating an interesting profile. In The Unplugged Alpha, Richard Cooper recommends having strangers—not your friends—evaluate your photos using a website called Photofeeler. And while psychologists recommend providing details about your life, they urge you to highlight your relationships and values—both of which demonstrate the emotional availability that other daters desire. For example, consider writing about your book club instead of your favorite books.)
Once you meet someone promising, how do you maximize your chances of discovering whether they’re the right person for you? Ury recommends that you do three things: Manage your expectations, design a great first date, and always go on the second date.
First, Ury suggests that you set realistic, but positive, expectations. You must be realistic because too many of us expect too much from our first date. We want to feel an instant connection, but such a connection is rare—partly because we tend to like something (or someone) more the more we encounter it. So don’t discount your date just because you don’t feel an instant connection with them; remember that feelings can grow.
That said, don’t be a downer—having a positive attitude is critical to the success of your date. Experiments have found that when we expect to be lucky, we’re better able to notice opportunities we can take advantage of. Similarly, if you expect the date to go well, you’ll be better able to notice your date’s positive qualities and will have a better time.
(Shortform note: Setting realistic but positive expectations works well for couples in arranged marriages, who may not feel an initial spark but marry anyway. These couples approach their day-to-day encounters with the positive attitude that love will grow and choose not to dwell on their spouse’s flaws. And often, love does grow. In fact, studies suggest that couples in arranged marriages are as happy or happier than couples who married for love.)
Second, Ury suggests that you design a great first date. When dating, your goal is to figure out how a person makes you feel—so it’s essential to go on dates that promote natural connections (instead of ones that encourage you to quiz each other). Try doing something creative together: You’ll have fun and might learn whether your date has the qualities you’re looking for. For example, if you take a pottery class and your date can’t follow the instructor, do they continue trying anyway (indicating a growth mindset)?
(Shortform note: In Models, Manson agrees that you should go on dates that promote connections, but he has a different method for designing them. Rather than doing something specifically creative, he urges you to schedule several “experiences,” which will ideally involve mutual participation, activity, and opportunities to touch. The more experiences you have together, the more intimate you’ll feel toward each other and the greater connection you’ll have. For example, you might start an evening bowling, then get drinks before going dancing.)
Third, Ury suggests that you always go on the second date. We’re primed to judge our dates harshly, partly because we’ve evolved to pay more attention to negative things, so we tend to focus on their flaws rather than their strengths. By creating a rule that you’ll always go on a second date, you allow yourself more time to see if a connection will develop and to find more positive qualities that might outweigh the flaws.
(Shortform note: Like Ury, other relationship experts agree that going on a second date—even after a mediocre first one—allows more time for a connection to develop and encourages you to find your date’s positive qualities instead of focusing on their flaws. But don’t ignore every flaw: If your date is outright rude, insulting, or triggers an instinctive bad feeling, experts recommend that you leave immediately.)
Now that you’ve learned how to meet great people and date so that you find a connection, how can you ensure that you have a happy, long-term relationship? In this section, you’ll first learn how to move through each stage of your relationship effectively to maximize your chances of happiness. Then, you’ll learn how to ensure you remain happy with your relationship—even as you both change and grow.
As Ury points out, relationships are full of decisions—from deciding whether to date officially to deciding whether to get married. Behavioral scientists refer to these landmark changes as decision points—moments that interrupt your routine and make you reconsider whether you’re on the right track.
According to Ury, there are two ways you can approach these decision points. You might reactively “slide” into the next stage without giving it serious consideration. Alternatively, you might think more deeply and actively choose, or “decide” to move into the next stage. Ury recommends you become a decider because they tend to have happier marriages. Specifically, you should make a decision at the following transitions: defining the relationship, cohabitating, and getting married.
Sex: Another Decision Point
Ury focuses exclusively on how people “slide” or “decide” at emotional decision points like defining the relationship. But psychologists explain that, in addition to operating on an emotional “sliding vs. deciding” scale, people also operate on a physical “slide vs. decide” scale that determines how they become intimate with a romantic partner: If you’re sexually active, choosing to have sex with someone is a decision point.
So if you want to decide to have sex with someone (instead of sliding into the act), how do you make that decision? Experts suggest that if you feel comfortable with and desire your partner, you may be ready. Conversely, if you’re uncomfortable communicating about STIs or view sex more as an obligation than as something you want to do, you may want to reconsider having sex (and possibly the relationship.)
Other authors also recommend being intentional about the process. For example, in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey suggests that commitment-minded women wait three months before having sex with their male partners to ensure that he’s someone they want in their lives.
How can you ensure that you actively choose to define the relationship? Ury recommends that you first discuss your expectations for the relationship when you want to be exclusive. Exposing your feelings can be scary, but making your wishes clear will save you potential heartbreak long-term (if your desired partner doesn’t see you as long-term material). And even if your conversation doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, you’ll have more information to help guide you on your partner search—whether that means continuing to date this person or moving on to someone else.
(Shortform note: Other relationship experts have more specific recommendations for discussing relationship expectations. Prior to the conversation, remind yourself that it’s OK to pursue your desires, which can help ease your own fears. Then, select the right time to have the conversation; don’t initiate it because you’re frustrated that the other party hasn’t made their intentions clear. And no matter the outcome of the conversation—whether you choose to date each other or see other people—congratulate yourself for putting yourself out there.)
How can you ensure that you actively choose to cohabitate? Ury recommends that you seriously evaluate whether you want to cohabitate. People who move in together pre-marriage are more likely to get divorced, which relationship researchers theorize is because cohabitation makes splitting up harder: When a breakup involves someone moving out, it’s easier to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you’re with the wrong person and slide into marriage instead.
(Shortform note: If you already have experience splitting up with a cohabiting partner, you might not have as hard a time breaking up with someone new even if you do live together. One study found that women who lived with a partner but later married someone else were twice as likely to get divorced: Researchers suggest that since these women already had experience breaking up in a cohabitating arrangement, they were more likely to do it again when they faced issues in the current relationship.)
To minimize the chances that cohabitating jeopardizes your relationship, Ury recommends that you discuss your expectations about the future with your partner to ensure that you’re in sync. Additionally, discuss any anxieties you may have about cohabitating, like a worry that you won’t get enough alone time, so that you can work through them and set up a plan to deal with them prior to moving in.
Other Considerations and Conversations to Have Before Moving In Together
Other relationship experts agree that moving in together is a big step that requires serious consideration and conversations—but the specifics of these considerations and conversations differ. Prior to speaking with your partner, they recommend asking yourself why you want to live together. Many people assume that cohabitation is the logical next step, but it may not work for your relationship even if you and your partner have similar expectations for the future.
Additionally, experts urge you to discuss major topics like sex, money, sleep, housework, and intimacy. Even if you don’t have any anxieties about them, these are the areas over which you’ll likely clash, so it’s good to have a plan for avoiding fights beforehand.
How can you ensure that you actively choose to get married? Ury recommends that you critically examine your needs and wants prior to getting married. Humans are subject to a consensus bias: We assume that other people want and believe in the same things we do. But this bias is dangerous. It can lead us to marry people without discussing important topics because we assume they agree with us—then later end up being unpleasantly surprised. For example, you might assume that your partner wants to stay home after you have kids, only to learn that they want you to stay home instead.
(Shortform note: You might be tempted to marry your partner without discussing important topics not because you assume that they agree with you, but because you fear that they don’t—and you worry this discussion will end the relationship. For example, if you want kids but suspect your partner doesn’t, you might get married without discussing children, hoping that she’ll change her mind. To make these discussions easier, practice mindfulness, which studies suggest reduces fear. When you start to feel anxious, take note of these feelings, inhale deeply to center yourself, and try to observe your reactions instead of resisting them.)
To avoid the marital dissatisfaction that can stem from the false-consensus effect, Ury recommends sharing both your history and your expectations with your partner. Once you’ve determined that your partner is someone who can support you and improve your life long-term, sit down with your partner to discuss three important topics.
Dedicate one night to learning about each other’s history, like how your parents dealt with serious topics or important childhood events. Dedicate a second night to discussing how you are now: Talk about how you could improve the relationship and open up about your current financial situation. Finally, dedicate a third night to discussing your future expectations, like your long-term career goals and how you want to raise your children. Ury explains that it’s OK if your expectations don’t exactly align, as long as you can talk through and have a plan for dealing with them.
Talk About Your History and Your Expectations With Other People
Many relationship experts agree with Ury both on the necessity of pre-marital conversations and the specific topics you should discuss with your partner. However, some argue that you should also talk through these issues with other people.
Try speaking with a happily married couple to gain advice that you might use both now and in the future, like how to improve your relationship. Speak with lawyers, who can help you assess your current financial situation and how marriage might affect it. Finally, consider speaking with a premarital counselor, who will help you navigate conversations about future expectations, like career goals and how to raise your children. They may also help you dismantle potentially damaging patterns you’ve learned in childhood via specific traumas or your parents’ bad habits so that you can communicate better.
Now that you’ve found someone with whom you want to build a life, how do you ensure that your partnership remains happy? Ury contends that the key is to build a relationship that can grow with you. She explains that most people recognize that they’ve changed a lot in the past, but they don’t expect to change a lot in the future. But in reality, you (and your partner) will probably change just as much in the future as you did in the past. Therefore, it’s critical to ensure that your relationship evolves, too.
(Shortform note: Remember that you’re trying to build a relationship that will evolve as you (and your partner) inevitably change—but don’t try to change your partner. Experts warn that trying to change the person you love is a recipe for disaster: It breeds resentment both from the person who is reluctantly being forced to change and the person upset that their partner isn’t changing in the way they desire. Instead, work on accepting your partner at all stages of their life by focusing on their positive qualities.)
Ury recommends two techniques for ensuring that your relationship adapts to your changing needs as the years go by. First, write a relationship agreement, or a “contract.” In this agreement, articulate your relationship values and how you’ll express them. Revisit this agreement regularly at intervals that work for you—whether that’s yearly or biannually—to review and update it as needed. By doing so, you’ll deal with potential issues early instead of letting them fester and damage your relationship long-term.
For example, if you value time together, you might initially write that you’ll spend 12 hours one-on-one each week. Once you have kids, you may realize that you regularly only spend 30 minutes together one-on-one and work on adding more couple time to your lives. By doing so, you maintain your connection instead of growing slowly distant and thus unhappy.
How Dual-Career Couples Should Write Relationship Agreements
Jennifer Petriglieri, author of Couples That Work, suggests that dual-career couples may find relationship agreements especially helpful, but her recommendation differs in both purpose and content. She contends that the purpose of an agreement is to clarify your long-term goals, which will give you a guideline for navigating various career transitions—like whether to move for one spouse’s career. This may explain why she doesn’t recommend regularly revisiting the agreement.
Moreover, in addition to your values, Petriglieri recommends including the following in your agreement: your limits (like where you’re never willing to move to) as well as your fears (like your worry that you’ll be relegated to doing all the domestic work) so that you can pre-emptively address those fears (such as by hiring a housekeeper).
Second, Ury suggests scheduling a recurring, weekly state-of-the-union, or “check-in ritual.” This meeting is a safe space in which you can communicate things with your partner that might be otherwise uncomfortable or brushed aside. By doing so, you maintain your bond and ensure that small problems don’t blow up into bigger issues because you haven’t dealt with them. For example, you can express early on that you feel unappreciated when your partner doesn’t pitch in with household duties, instead of letting that disappointment sit without communicating it and feeling unappreciated by your partner in general. It’s critical that you actually schedule this ritual—if it’s already on your calendar and you don’t have to set up a time every week, you’re far more likely to have the meeting.
How to Have a Marriage Meeting
If you’d like more structure in your weekly meeting, consider following the structure of a “marriage meeting.” This is also a weekly meeting designed to keep you and your partner bonded as you evolve, but it has a few key differences. Notably, it occurs not just at a specific time but has a specific duration: 15-20 minutes is enough to discuss every topic but short enough to keep you focused.
Also, in a marriage meeting, you follow a set order. Start by expressing appreciation to each other to set a positive tone. Then, move on to logistics, such as deciding how to divide specific chores. You should then make fun plans to ensure that you’re both happy—with each other and your own lives. Once you’re in a good mood, discuss any issues in the relationship; your positive mindsets will make the conversation easier.
It’s great if you find someone you want to spend your life with—but what if you aren’t sure that this person is the one? In this section, you’ll first learn two major reasons you may struggle to end your relationship. Then, you’ll discover how to make that process as painless as possible—and how to recover from the heartbreak.
Ury explains that, in breakups, people often have one of two types of unhelpful tendencies. The first tendency is to drag out relationships they know aren’t working because they’ve already invested time into the relationship. But in doing so, they forfeit the time they could be spending building a better relationship with someone else.
(Shortform note: If you’ve been dragging out your relationship because you want a big commitment from your reluctant partner and don’t want to start over, don’t issue an ultimatum. Experts explain that by forcing your partner’s hand, you risk initially getting the answer you want—then later having a partner who leaves you because they resent that you pressured them into commitment. If so, you’ll lose even more time you could have spent building a better relationship with someone else.)
The second tendency is to leave perfectly fine relationships because the initial high of a new relationship wears off. But in doing so, people forfeit the ability to learn how to be in relationships long-term.
(Shortform note: If you’re used to leaving relationships too soon, you may struggle to evaluate whether you’re in a good relationship that can teach you how to be in one long-term, or in a mediocre one you’re better off leaving. Experts suggest that if you communicate well, respect each other, and have fun, you’re in a good relationship. In contrast, not wanting to tell them important information or not appreciating them might indicate it’s time to leave.)
Once you’ve decided to end the relationship, how do you actually do it? Ury argues that the key is to make a plan, as research suggests that people are more likely to follow through on their goals if they make a plan for doing so.
First, plan what you’re going to say: Compassionately communicate that the relationship isn’t working, but don’t name specific reasons, as this will likely lead your soon-to-be ex to obsess over whatever you say. Second, schedule both the breakup and its immediate aftermath. Select a time to have this conversation that works for both your and their schedule. Allow yourself up to 90 minutes, but then have something else to do—like drinks with your best friend—so that you can avoid dragging out the breakup unnecessarily.
Ending the Relationship as Kindly as Possible
Some couples schedule and plan for a breakup together. After realizing that they’re incompatible, they’ll plan to break up in a few months, enjoy the time they have left, and then break up on a pre-planned date. But this strategy has mixed outcomes. Some couples remain together, while others follow through on their breakup. And if one partner was never fully on board with the breakup, this can lead to disappointment and heartbreak.
But if you’re like most people and are unilaterally ending your relationship, experts have further recommendations for doing it kindly. Never use cliché lines like “It’s not you, it’s me”—such lines will trigger your ex to obsess over why you actually broke up with them, since they know these cliché lines are meaningless. And if you’re worried that your partner will react in an emotionally unstable way that leads to a too-long conversation, consider scheduling your breakup in a therapist’s office or around the schedule of a close friend who can help your partner process the news.
Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, breakups are painful. Ury argues that the key to recovering quickly is to frame the breakup positively by focusing on how it benefits your life. To do so, consider writing a breakup diary: Spend time listing both what’s good about the breakup and what was negative about the relationship. You might also start participating in activities you gave up on during the relationship so that you can focus on how the breakup adds to your life instead of on what it took away.
Different Ways to Ease Your Heartbreak
Other relationship experts suggest different ways to ease your heartbreak. First, while framing the breakup positively may help you recover, don’t rush yourself through the grieving process, which is what helps you accept the reality that your partner is no longer in your life.
Second, in addition to listing the positives of your breakup and the negatives of your relationship in your breakup diary, consider describing your emotions in your most painful moments, then re-reading those pages six months later. Acknowledge what you’ve done to change your emotional state, which can be empowering. Third, when participating in activities you gave up on during the relationship, focus on physical activities—exercise can help you process your emotions and thus get over the breakup faster.
Now that you’ve learned how to find and keep love in your life, apply Ury’s advice so that you can find and build your ideal relationship.
Based on your dating history, what is your dating tendency and how has it affected your search for a relationship? (Remember that the three dating tendencies are optimizers, fairytale chasers, and delayers.)
Taking Ury’s tips into account, what’s one thing you can do to improve your odds of meeting a good partner? For example, you might revise your online profile so that it provides specific details or start looking for events you can attend alone.
When you find a good partner, which advice will you implement to maximize your chances of happiness? For example, Ury suggests that you write a relationship agreement and regularly update it.