In Attached, psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller contend that many of our relationship issues stem from differences in how we perceive and express intimacy—and that, by understanding this, we can achieve greater harmony in our relationships.
In this guide, you’ll first learn how humans generally relate to romantic partners: What are secure and insecure attachment styles, and why do they matter? You’ll then learn more about the three attachment styles, and what your attachment style indicates you need from a relationship. Then, you’ll discover the problems that can arise if your intimacy needs clash with your partner’s and how to handle it when they do. Finally, you’ll learn how to adopt the behaviors of the secure attachment style and use them to make your relationships more fulfilling. Along the way, we’ll examine how Levine and Heller’s ideas compare with recent research on attachment styles and include recommendations from other experts on practical ways to improve your relationship.
According to Levine and Heller, everyone has an attachment system—a mechanism in your brain that compels you to seek, monitor, and maintain intimacy with a chosen partner. Attachment theory contends that this desire for intimacy is biological and inescapable, which psychologists attribute to an evolutionary adaptation: In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better chance of survival than any solo human, so genetic selection favored people who "attached," or learned how to develop close bonds with others.
(Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s contention that we evolved to desire intimacy with a chosen partner implies a long-standing biological preference for monogamy. However, in Sex at Dawn, authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that monogamy is not biologically ingrained but, rather, relatively new: Prior to the advent of agriculture, humans lived in multimale-multifemale mating systems.)
The authors note that every human responds differently to the urge for closeness: Some suppress it, while others automatically embrace it. Psychologists categorize these different responses into “attachment styles,” which are the beliefs and behaviors that determine how you function in intimate relationships. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
(Shortform note: Because Levine and Heller popularized the concept of attachment styles among romantic partners, we’ve used their terms (secure, anxious, and avoidant) throughout this guide. However, these styles have several different names: Secure is a universal term, but anxious attachment is also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment, and avoidant attachment is also known as dismissive-avoidant attachment.)
The idea that adults attach to their romantic partners, which underlies Levine and Heller’s work, reflects attachment theorists’ contention that humans have attachment needs throughout their entire lives. However, attachment theory was originally developed to describe the relationship between children and their caregivers. It is rooted in research from the 1960s, when psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby—who are credited today as the founders of attachment theory— discovered the importance of parent-child bonding. By studying children raised in orphanages, they learned that providing kids with food and shelter isn’t enough: Kids who lacked a parent or attachment figure had a much higher chance of stunted physical, emotional, and intellectual development, even if they had adequate food and shelter.
(Shortform note: Romantic attachment theory is based on the premise that romantic relationships are like the attachment bonds formed between children and their parents. However, modern psychologists have pinpointed various issues with Ainsworth and Bowlby’s work—the foundational findings on which attachment theory is based. Namely, they argue that Ainsworth and Bowlby focused too heavily on the mother-child relationship and ignored other factors that we now know are more predictive of your development, like your temperament and social class. These criticisms of parent-child attachment may have implications for the study of adult romantic attachment.)
Levine and Heller argue that having an emotionally satisfying romantic relationship significantly improves your quality of life.
Many modern Westerners assume that in order to thrive, you must be self-sufficient. But, Levine and Heller contend, our partners help us thrive: Partners who satisfy our basic attachment needs—our deep-seated desires for security, comfort, and love—make us more independent, bold, and brave. This seems initially paradoxical: How does relying on someone else make you more independent? Attachment theorists explain that relying on someone who nourishes your emotional needs makes you feel safe: You believe that this person will catch you if you fall. And since you have this safety net, you feel emboldened to take the steps necessary to thrive.
(Shortform note: The idea that our partners help us thrive may be unusual to many Westerners, but it’s so ingrained in other cultures that the authors debated whether or not to include it. In a post-publication interview, Levine explained that Heller, who is Israeli, initially didn’t see the need to discuss the importance others have on our lives because their importance was so obvious to her.)
But what happens if our partners don’t give us the emotional support our brains crave? Our brains instruct us to pursue it at all costs—request it, demand it, even throw a temper tantrum if necessary. When we still don't get the emotional nourishment we need, arguments erupt and the relationship sustains damage. Moreover, since we don’t feel safe, we lack the courage to be our best selves—and we never thrive as much as we might have.
(Shortform note: We can see just how powerfully our brains crave emotional support from our partners—and how much damage not receiving it can cause—by looking at what happens to people whose partners pass away. Research suggests that even if you’re aware that your partner is gone, if your brain doesn’t fully understand that your partner can no longer support you emotionally, you’re more likely to continue pursuing this support—and thus suffer more debilitating forms of grief.)
Because of this deep-seated need for attachment, Levine and Heller argue that if you want to be your best self, your romantic relationship must fulfill your emotional needs. The best way to create such a relationship is to understand both your own and your partner’s attachment styles. If you know your own attachment style, you’ll better understand what you need in a romantic relationship. If you can decipher others’ attachment styles, you’ll be better able to assess if a potential partner is capable of fulfilling those needs. And if you already have a partner, you’ll finally understand what lies at the root of your conflicts—and how you can resolve them.
Not Just Romantic: How Your Overarching Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship
Attached focuses exclusively on your and your partner’s attachment style in romantic relationships—but that might not be enough to determine whether your relationship will fulfill your emotional needs. Research supports the idea that you have one overarching attachment style, which affects all your relationships, as well as different attachment styles in specific types of relationships—like the one with your romantic partner.
For example, you might have an insecure overarching attachment style, but a secure romantic attachment style. Researchers contend that your overarching attachment style affects the outcome of your relationships too: For example, partners with overall insecure/romantically secure attachment styles tend to be happy in their relationships when things are going well but may not be well-equipped to handle crises.
Now that you know the importance of understanding attachment styles, we’ll delve deeper into the three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. In this section, you’ll learn the hallmarks of each attachment style and what each type of attacher should focus on to maintain healthy relationships.
Levine and Heller explain that a person with a secure attachment style has a compelling desire for intimacy with a romantic partner, but they’re also comfortable with emotional distance. They don't need to constantly negotiate the level of intimacy or independence in their relationship; they’re generally content with whatever their partner wants.
(Shortform note: Secure attachment doesn’t just indicate emotional stability in a romantic relationship; it’s also correlated with several other factors that may affect happiness in a relationship. For example, one study found that secure attachers tend to have fewer issues with substance abuse than insecure attachers.)
Notably, secure attachers are predisposed to expect their partners to love them and don’t worry about their relationships falling apart. As such, they are good at communicating their emotional needs and can keep their emotions steady when faced with adversity. Levine and Heller contend that this is why, as research shows, people with secure attachment styles tend to have happier relationships than those with insecure attachment styles.
Why Secure Attachment May Not Predict Relationship Satisfaction
Levine and Heller go as far as saying that a secure attachment is “the best predictor of happiness in a relationship,” but other experts argue that that’s not exactly right. One study found that the biggest predictor of relationship satisfaction is how committed you think your partner is to your relationship—regardless of how committed they actually are. In a way, this supports Levine and Heller’s argument, since they imply that secure attachers are more likely to think their partners are committed to the relationship. But since it’s possible that some insecure attachers also assume their partner is committed to the relationship, this study’s results don’t exactly align with Levine and Heller’s argument.
If you’re in a relationship with a secure attacher, you’ll feel emotionally safe—as though being with them makes it easier for you to face the outside world. In fact, Levine and Heller note, dating a secure attacher tends to make insecure attachers more secure.
(Shortform note: If you’re an insecure attacher, you may only feel emotionally safe with your secure partner after some time has passed. In a 2022 interview, Levine noted that insecure attachers may feel initially uncomfortable with the healthy relationship behaviors exhibited by their secure partners because they’re accustomed to different relationship patterns, and recommended working through this anxiety by relaxing and accepting these behaviors.)
(Shortform note: In a 2018 interview, Levine shared an acronym daters can use to identify secure attachers: CARRP. Secure attachers tend to be consistent, available, reliable, responsive, and predictable.)
If you’re a secure attacher, your major relationship goal is to maintain your secure attachment style. Levine and Heller explain that as a secure attacher, you’re good at recognizing cues that indicate compatibility, so you tend not to get trapped in negative relationships. But since you tend to forgive easily, you may let negative behaviors repeatedly slide and stay in a relationship longer than you should—which can shift your attachment style. If you start to recognize the anxious or avoidant tendencies described below in your behavior, it might be time to leave your relationship.
(Shortform note: If you do find your attachment style changing in a relationship, consider spending time with other secure attachers: In a 2022 interview, Levine explains that spending time with secure people—even if it’s not your romantic partner—can make you more secure.)
A person with an anxious attachment style has a compelling desire for intimacy with a romantic partner and is highly attuned to anything that seems to endanger that intimacy. They believe their very survival depends on the success of their partnership, so they are perpetually on guard and zero in on even the slightest perceived threats, like a small change in their partner’s tone of voice.
(Shortform note: Research suggests that anxious attachers may also be hypersensitive to threats in other areas of their lives. One study found that anxious attachers were the first to notice if a room gradually filled with smoke.)
Whenever an anxious attacher perceives a threat, they are flooded with “activating strategies”—internal states that make them want to regain intimacy with their partners at all costs. These activating strategies lead the anxious attacher to engage in “protest behavior,” or actions used to demand greater intimacy—like constantly calling. Once that intimacy is reestablished, the anxious attacher relaxes. But the “protest behavior” tends to cause harm in the relationship.
For example, Annie leaves for work before her husband, Anxious Andrew, on the morning of their anniversary. Anxious Andrew wakes up and sees no indication that Annie remembered their anniversary—which he perceives as a threat to their relationship. He immediately grows stressed and wants to speak with her (the activating strategy), so he texts her (the protest behavior). If Annie texts back immediately, Andrew relaxes and goes about his day. But if Annie doesn’t text back immediately, Andrew remains stressed and continues texting—and when Annie finally sees the barrage of texts, she grows annoyed, which sours their anniversary.
How Other Attachment Theorists Describe Anxious Attachment
Levine and Heller’s definitions of the terms “activating strategies” and “protest behavior” are somewhat confusing. Despite using the word “strategy,” they define an “activating strategy” exclusively as a thought or feeling—not an action or plan. Additionally, they define “protest behavior” as “any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.” By this definition, calling your partner once because she’s late coming home—an action most would find reasonable—is protest behavior. But the authors heavily imply that protest behavior must negatively impact the relationship: All of their examples of protest behavior feature unhealthy relationship behaviors, and they describe protest behavior as something you “resort to” when you’re unable to effectively communicate your needs.
Levine and Heller’s confusing definitions may result from their attempt at originality. Today, many modern-day attachment theorists refer to “hyperactivating strategies.” This all-encompassing term describes both the thoughts and feelings that prompt an anxious attacher to seek intimacy when threatened —what Levine and Heller call activating strategies—and the behavior these attachers use to regain that intimacy—what Levine and Heller call “protest behavior.” But the term specifies that these behaviors are “clingy and controlling”—so a single phone call would likely not be considered an undesirable attachment response.
If you’re an anxious attacher, accepting your romantic needs is critical to developing a happy relationship. Levine and Heller explain that many anxious attachers try to ignore their needs for intimacy and reassurance because they’re ashamed of them. But if you don’t accept these needs, you won’t express them and give your partner the opportunity to fulfill them. Alternatively, you may select a partner who’s incapable of fulfilling these needs. Either way, you’ll be perpetually unhappy because your relationship isn’t giving you what you need.
(Shortform note: You can only accept your romantic needs if you know exactly what they are. To determine yours, one anxious attachment style coach recommends reviewing whether your complaints about former partners signaled unfulfilled needs. For example, if you disliked that your partner didn’t text you every day, daily contact with your partner may be a need.)
A person with an avoidant attachment style doesn't possess a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner. Like all humans, their brains are wired to seek an intimate connection, but when the partnership gets too close, they feel suffocated.
(Shortform note: The avoidant attacher’s evasion of intimacy isn’t just limited to romantic relationships; it affects their relationships with their children, too. Research indicates that avoidant attachers may not enjoy parenting their babies as much as secure attachers and that they tend to find parenting more stressful.)
Avoidant attachers employ several techniques to maintain some emotional distance from their partners. These techniques, also known as “deactivating strategies,” are thoughts or behaviors the avoidant attacher uses to keep their independence in the relationship and avoid getting too close, such as consistently prioritizing alone time over time with their partner. But by distancing yourself from your partner, you may damage the health of your relationship.
(Shortform note: The term “deactivating strategy” seems similar to “activating strategy,” but Levine and Heller’s usage of the terms are more different than they initially appear. Activating strategies are the thoughts and feelings that drive your actions—not the actions you take. In contrast, deactivating strategies include both your thoughts and your actions.)
If you’re an avoidant attacher, recognizing and combating your deactivating strategies can help you have a happy relationship. One strategy Levine and Heller recommend is to second-guess your negative thoughts about your partner: Is it really a problem, or are you trying to push your partner away?
(Shortform note: If the thing you dislike about your partner isn’t really a problem but still bothers you, try to accept your partner’s flaws. To do so, one psychologist recommends focusing on your own flaws: Reminding yourself of what you make your partner deal with may help keep their flaws in perspective.)
Now that you know both your own and your partner’s attachment style, you can assess whether you’re capable of fulfilling each other’s emotional needs. Levine and Heller explain that while any attachment style combination can work, one is particularly volatile: anxious and avoidant attachers. In this section, we’ll discuss why people in anxious-avoidant relationships struggle so much, techniques to improve that relationship—and when you should end it.
Levine and Heller explain that people in long-term anxious-avoidant relationships get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash. The anxious attacher always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect—which repels the avoidant partner even more.
(Shortform note: Anxious and avoidant attachers may also have personality traits that exacerbate conflicts between them: One study found that anxious attachers tend to care more about fairness than avoidant attachers. So, for example, an anxious attacher may grow upset that her partner isn’t pulling equal weight in their relationship—then grow even more upset when the avoidant attacher doesn’t think this apparent inequality is a big deal.)
Levine and Heller note that while these partners may love each other, their interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's different needs expand into every corner of life. For example, if Avoidant Annie is reluctant to marry because she wants to maintain her independence, that desire probably won’t disappear after the wedding—and may later manifest in a fight about whether to vacation together or separately. Every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention, and each partner’s happiness in the relationship deteriorates.
(Shortform note: You may be able to avoid at least some of this relationship deterioration by talking explicitly about your needs and values in the way relationship counselors recommend you do prior to marriage. One counselor recommends that engaged couples discuss how much time they expect to spend with each other: Once you’re married, are weekends just for your spouse? This might be particularly helpful for anxious-avoidant couples to help them understand and prepare for their differing expectations.)
Given the volatility of and pain experienced by people in anxious-avoidant relationships, Levine and Heller recommend avoiding them if you can. In other words, if you’re an anxious attacher, steer clear of long-term relationships with avoidant attachers, who can’t meet your intimacy needs. Similarly, avoidant attachers should steer clear of anxious attachers, who’ll exacerbate their desire for independence.
(Shortform note: Some critics argue that Levine and Heller default too heavily to insisting that people with insecure attachment styles find secure partners instead of trying to improve their relationships—especially when it comes to anxious-avoidant partnerships. Instead of breaking up, one option that the authors mention but don’t delve deeply into is Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. In EFT, both partners are taught how to break out of the behavioral patterns they’re stuck in, which could improve their relationship.)
If you’re already in an anxious-avoidant partnership, what should you do? One way you can improve your relationship, according to Levine and Heller, is by finding a secure role model and mimicking their behavior. They contend that by repeatedly behaving like a secure person, you gradually develop a more secure attachment style—and, as we’ve seen, the more secure your attachment style, the more fulfilling your relationships tend to be.
Why Does Behaving Securely Shift Your Attachment Style?
Levine and Heller don’t specify why behaving like a secure person shifts your attachment style. It’s possible that secure relationship behaviors are similar to what productivity expert James Clear calls identity-based habits. In Atomic Habits, Clear contends that you should first decide who you want to be, then develop the habits you think that person would engage in. He explains that by behaving like the person you want to be, you prove to yourself that you are that person—so you continue performing those behaviors as an expression of your identity. Similarly, behaving like a secure person could make you believe that you are a secure person—and shift your attachment style as a result.
To practice secure behavior effectively, Levine and Heller recommend that both the anxious and avoidant partner do the following:
How Others Recommend Role-Modeling Secure Behavior
Many experts recommend mimicking secure role models, but their recommendations differ from Levine and Heller’s in some key ways. Notably, Levine and Heller state that your role model can be someone you know either well or superficially. In contrast, one advice columnist warns against modeling your relationships after couples you don’t know well: The less you know the couple, the greater the chances you’ll idealize their relationship.
In addition, while Levine and Heller recommend learning by observing others’ behavior, this columnist recommends asking the couple directly how they behave in various situations instead of relying solely on your observations.
While you can learn from role models, some relationships can’t be fixed. Levine and Heller explain that if you’re an anxious person with an avoidant partner and the following statements ring true, your partnership has become harmful and possibly abusive, and you may need to end it:
Avoidant vs. Abusive: How Can You Tell?
Levine and Heller don’t properly distinguish between behaviors that are harmful versus abusive, only noting that these behaviors occur if the avoidant partner views their anxious partner as “the enemy.” This may lead the anxious partner to misidentify the nature of the behaviors they’re experiencing—or not notice that their own behavior may be abusive: Notably, spying on your partner is considered a sign of abuse. If you think you might be experiencing abuse, experts generally recommend calling a local domestic violence hotline to get the support you need.
While the behaviors the authors describe may or may not be abusive, they are definitely harmful to the health of your relationship. All of these behaviors indicate contempt toward your partner, which is a death knell for your relationship. In fact, renowned relationship researcher John Gottman has found that contempt is the “number one predictor of divorce.”
Copying the behaviors of secure attachers isn’t the only benefit for people in anxious-avoidant relationships: Levine and Heller contend that learning to communicate and to fight like a secure attacher benefits your romantic relationships. In this section, you’ll first learn why it’s important to communicate like a secure attacher and how exactly you can do so. Then, you’ll learn why it’s important to handle conflicts like a secure attacher and the rules you should follow when you fight.
Levine and Heller contend that whether you’re single or partnered, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating your needs directly and honestly can help you choose someone who’s emotionally capable of meeting them and weed out the ones who aren’t. Once you're in a relationship, communicating effectively helps ensure your needs are met.
(Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s contention that communication is essential to relationships echoes that of many relationship experts. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, relationship counselor John Gray expands upon this contention: He argues that in heterosexual relationships, women and men are practically speaking different languages because men talk to communicate information while women talk to communicate feelings—and to have a successful relationship, you must learn to respond to what your partner actually wants. Generally speaking, men should communicate how much they care about their female partner, while women should communicate how much they trust their male partner.)
Levine and Heller explain that to communicate like a secure attacher, express your needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening, inoffensive, and noncritical manner. You can do so by following these five rules.
Levine and Heller suggest that learning to fight like a secure attacher can also improve your relationship. They explain that while not every couple faces the intimacy-related disagreements discussed throughout this guide, even the most secure couples fight about basic, daily-life issues—like who’ll make dinner or take out the trash. However, research indicates that such arguments can actually help couples grow closer. Levine and Heller contend that this is because secure attachers follow certain rules of communication that let them effectively work through the conflict without destroying their relationship in the process.
So if you’re an insecure attacher facing a daily-life conflict, Levine and Heller recommend following these rules to effectively work through it. (Just make sure it’s actually a daily-life conflict: As we’ve seen, some conflicts—like whether to vacation together or separately—seem initially like a daily-life conflict but are actually symptomatic of clashing intimacy needs.)
How Other Researchers Define Relationship Conflicts
While Levine and Heller categorize relationship conflict as either intimacy-related or daily-life-related, other researchers use different terms. Notably, Gottman categorizes relationship issues into three types: solvable conflicts around a particular topic; perpetual conflicts that relate to fundamental personality or value differences; and gridlocked conflicts, which are perpetual conflicts that have escalated due to poor management.
According to Gottman, only one-third of conflicts in a relationship are solvable; the other two-thirds are perpetual or gridlocked. But just as some daily-life conflicts are actually intimacy-related, the same issues can be solvable or perpetual depending on the situation. So how do you tell which is which? If you can’t tell, the answer may simply be to talk about it: Gottman recommends examining the emotional roots of each conflict, so that you can learn more about your partner and thus grow closer—even if you never resolve the initial issue.
Many of the problems we face in our romantic relationships stem from our attachment systems, a mechanism in our brains that compels us to seek intimacy and closeness with a chosen partner—both physically and emotionally. Even though every human is wired with this urge for closeness, we respond to its pull in different ways. Some people feel the attachment urge and automatically want to resist it or suppress it. Others automatically embrace it. If two partners’ attachment responses fall on opposing ends of the spectrum, clashes are inevitable. But by understanding how attachment drives us, we can achieve less conflict and more harmony in our relationships.
Psychologists believe this brain wiring is an evolutionary adaptation. In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better chance of survival than any solo human, so genetic selection favored people who "attached"—or learned how to develop close bonds with others.
The fact that human attachment is an inescapable fact of biology gives rise to our differing methods of dealing with it. Although we all possess the innate desire to connect in a meaningful, nurturing way with a chosen partner, our beliefs and behaviors about intimacy fall into one of three diverse categories or "attachment styles"—secure, avoidant, or anxious.
Whether your attachment style is secure, anxious, or avoidant determines how you function in intimate relationships. Here’s a brief summary of each style:
Attachment differences manifest themselves in a wide range of partnership scenarios from budget-planning to raising children to daily chores to sex. In fact, knowing someone's attachment style is an excellent predictor of how they will behave in any partnership situation.
Every Human Has an Attachment Style
Regardless of where in the world people live, what sex they are, or what culture or religion they belong to, slightly more than 50 percent of all people are secure attachers, about 25 percent are avoidant, and about 20 percent are anxious. The remaining 5 percent are combined anxious-avoidants.
In this summary, we’ll discuss how people develop these different attachment styles, and how they can change over time. We’ll explain how to determine your own attachment style as well as the attachment styles of your long-term partners or people you’re just starting to date. We’ll show how attachment needs affect our ability to thrive and why only some people will be able to meet your specific needs. We’ll also detail the emotional costs of getting attached to someone with a drastically different attachment style than your own. (And if you're already in this kind of challenging relationship, you'll learn techniques to make it less challenging—and even how to leave it, if necessary, with the least amount of pain and damage.)
Most importantly, you'll learn the skills that go along with a secure attachment style, such as how to communicate clearly and honestly with current or potential partners and how to resolve or mitigate conflict. No matter what your attachment style, you can learn the best behaviors and beliefs of the secure attachment style and use them to make your relationships more fulfilling and satisfying.
Researchers once assumed that your adult attachment style—how you interact with a romantic partner—was the result of your relationship with your parents during your youngest years. They saw adult romantic relationships as a mirror of childhood experiences:
Over time, however, attachment theory has developed greater complexity. How your parents cared for you as an infant still matters, but it's only one of several factors. Other childhood conditions also have an impact, such as:
While it's true that children of parents who are sensitive to their needs are more likely to have a secure attachment style in their young years, when we look ahead 20 or 30 years to see what that child is like as an adult, the link is much weaker. Increasing evidence shows there's no single source that contributes to our attachment styles. Instead, it's a mosaic of factors that includes our early relationship with our parents, our adult romantic experiences, and possibly even our DNA.
The research: About 70 to 75 percent of adults remain in the same attachment style category throughout their lives, whereas the remaining 25 to 30 percent shift attachment styles at some point in adulthood. The change seems to be influenced by adult romantic relationships—healthy or unhealthy, good or bad—that are compelling enough to alter our basic beliefs about connectedness.
In other words, under the right conditions in the right relationship, anxious or avoidant attachers can become secure attachers. Of course, the flip side is also true—in the wrong relationship, secure attachers can become anxious or avoidant.
Some research points to the idea that attachment styles may be strongly linked to DNA. For example, scientists at the University of Kansas have found that a specific dopamine receptor is associated with the anxious attachment style and another receptor is associated with the avoidant attachment style. These two genes play an important role in brain functions like emotional control and social behavior.
Although research into attachment styles is still evolving, we know that the desire for attachment is wired into us. Further, the people we choose as our romantic partners have a huge impact on our ability to thrive in the world. They affect how we feel about ourselves and how much we believe in our own abilities.
Partners who satisfy our basic attachment needs—our deep-seated desires for security, comfort, and love—unwittingly give us the courage to go out into the world and thrive. In contrast, partners who don't satisfy these needs may stunt our ability to achieve our goals. They may even have a negative effect on our health.
It may seem like a paradox, but depending on another person will actually make you more independent, bold, and brave. According to attachment theory, when our emotional needs are nourished, we have no reason to be needy or anxious. In fact, we become much more daring.
This idea—that people become braver by depending on others—contradicts what most of us learn as we grow up. We’re taught that we should strive for self-reliance. Self-help books and psychology blogs are full of advice on how to be more emotionally independent—after all, needing another person is weak, even shameful. We’re told to focus on our own happiness, to set clear boundaries with our partners, and to look after ourselves first and foremost.
That's all well and good if you're solo, but if you're in a relationship, it's counterproductive.
Brain research reveals a different story. When we're in a relationship, our brains are wired to crave our partner's emotional support as well as their physical closeness. If our partner fails to deliver that support, our brains instruct us to pursue it at all costs—request it, demand it, even throw a temper tantrum if necessary. When we go to great lengths and still don't get the emotional nourishment we need, arguments erupt. Feelings are hurt. Neither partner feels any satisfaction. The relationship sustains damage.
A popular reality TV show provides a good example of how our relationships can make us either stronger or weaker, depending on whether or not our emotional needs are met. In the show, couples dash around the globe and test the mettle of their relationships by participating in adventure challenges together, such as bungee-jumping off bridges and kayaking through rough seas.
In one of the first episodes, one couple succeeded in several challenges and nearly won the big cash prize, but ultimately they were foiled by attachment issues. When tensions between the couple escalated during particularly high-risk challenges, the woman repeatedly asked her partner to hold her hand. She couldn’t explain why, but she believed that small gesture would give her the confidence she needed.
Her partner refused to do it. When asked why, he said he was irritated by his girlfriend's "neediness."
After the pair lost the race, the woman blamed herself, telling TV viewers she felt ashamed of not being able to manage her fear in high-risk situations.
The outcome of the race might have been different if this couple had understood the basic tenets of attachment theory. The man would have understood that one small adjustment—the simple act of holding his girlfriend's hand—would have made a world of difference. Had he been willing to soothe her emotional needs, she would have been capable of bravery. Instead, her anxiety and fear was further elevated by her partner's unwillingness to reassure her.
The Western belief that we should be emotionally self-sufficient has its roots in 20th-century parenting books, which warned against coddling children or smothering them with too much love. As far back as the 1920s, experts warned parents that if they wanted their children to grow up self-reliant and fearless, they should dole out affection sparingly.
The tide turned in the 1960s when psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby published studies that proved the importance of parent-child bonding. By studying infants raised in orphanages and institutions, they showed that babies and young children are not attached to their parents just for food and shelter. According to their research, children raised without a parent or an attachment figure—but with adequate food and shelter—had a much higher chance of stunted physical, emotional, and intellectual development.
Credited as the founders of attachment theory, Ainsworth and Bowlby also argued that humans have attachment needs throughout their entire lives, not just as children. Later research has continued to support this idea, with a slight twist: Unlike babies, adults benefit from having a supportive, nurturing relationship even when their "supporter" isn't physically available to them. Adults can thrive with just the knowledge that someone is there for them psychologically and emotionally.
Despite this research, many adults still subscribe to the outdated ideology that they shouldn't rely too much on their partners. Our society’s overarching message is to strive for independence in all things, even our relationships. We're told that what's most important is knowing how to satisfy our own needs and self-soothe.
This is partly due to the codependency myth, which gained momentum in the late 20th century. If you're involved in a relationship with someone who suffers from substance abuse, self-reliance, independence, and strong boundaries may be your salvation. You don't want to depend on a partner with addiction problems, and you don't want to assist them in their addiction.
But while codependency theory makes good sense for relationships in which one party is an addict, it's counterproductive when applied to other kinds of relationships. The notion of maintaining strict boundaries with our romantic partner defies human biology and brain wiring.
Not only is your mental health affected by the quality of your partnership, your physical health is as well. Studies have proven that being in proximity to your romantic partner changes your blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, and hormone levels. If you're in a relationship, you can't choose to be independent because biologically, you're not.
The research: At the University of Virginia, Dr. James Coan proved that relationships affect our emotions. In one study, he told married women that they would receive a mild electrical shock while he scanned their brains in an MRI machine. The women were divided into three groups: those who had to undergo the scan and shock alone, those who could hold a stranger's hand during the experiment, and those who could hold their husband's hand during the experiment. Not surprisingly, the latter group experienced much less stress than the other two groups. Their brain scans showed almost no activity in the hypothalamus, the region of the brain that registers stress. The hand-holding husbands were "helping" the women on a physiological level.
Researchers at the University of Toronto found more evidence of our physiological connection to our partners. Their studies showed a correlation between blood pressure and marital happiness—or discord. Study participants with high blood pressure who considered their marriages to be happy and satisfying actually experienced lower blood pressure when their spouses were present. The opposite was also true: Participants with unhappy marriages experienced elevated blood pressure when their spouses were present.
Psychologist John Bowlby posited that this "merging" of physiological responses is an evolutionary adaptation. After all, if a predator is chasing you, it's safer to have someone near you who senses the threat just like you do and will help respond to the emergency.
The conclusion? Romantic attachments don't just happen in our heads and hearts. Our whole body responds.
Even though attachment theory now acknowledges there are many factors that determine adult attachment styles, it’s still worth examining the importance of the parent-child bond. After all, our relationship with our parents as infants is our first experience of relying on other human beings.
The research: Psychologist Mary Ainsworth advanced the science of parent-child attachment through a study known as the "strange situation test," proving that having an attachment figure close by creates a "secure base" for a child. In her study, she placed a mother and her child in the same unfamiliar room that was filled with toys. When mother and child were together, the child felt secure enough to explore the room and play with whatever toys he or she found. But when the mother left the room, the child became distraught. A research assistant would try to appease the child by offering more toys, but the child wasn't reassured by a stranger. Only when the mother returned did the child relax and start playing again. Ainsworth postulated that this "secure base" is a requirement for children to explore and develop.
Researchers expanded on Ainsworth's studies and discovered that adults are not all that different from a small child in an unfamiliar room full of toys. When adults feel secure, they can take on the world's challenges with confidence. Adults face "strange situations" every day, but if they have a secure base, they have a better chance to thrive. A secure base helps adults deal with the ups and downs of their careers, nourish relationships with their family and friends, enjoy their hobbies and interests, and pursue their goals, even if they experience setbacks along the way. Unfortunately, when adults don't have a secure base, they can falter.
The bottom line: We need the reassurance of our adult attachment figures (i.e. romantic partners) in order to focus on challenging tasks and succeed in our goals. Having a partner who provides a "secure base" and makes us feel safe—one who knows how to reassure us in challenging situations—allows us to be our bravest selves.
The research: At Carnegie Mellon University, researchers have studied the way that adult partners offer support to each other. In a lab setting, partners discuss their individual goals with each other. Afterward, they are led into separate rooms to answer questions about how the discussion went. Not surprisingly, those who believed their partners were genuinely interested in their goals had higher self-esteem and thought they had a better chance of achieving their goals than those whose partners were less supportive or interested.
This doesn't mean that you and your partner must be joined at the hip. In fact, it's the opposite. Knowing that you have a partner who "has your back" will actually make you more independent, more willing to take risks, and more capable of stepping out bravely into the world.
As we saw in Chapter 1, the three attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Once you know which attachment style is yours, you'll have a better understanding of the way you interact in romantic relationships.
Consider which of the styles described below best fits you:
Attachment styles are determined by two different elements: first, your tendency to move toward or away from intimacy and closeness; and second, your level of concern about your partner's attentiveness.
You probably have a secure attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
You probably have an anxious attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
You probably have an avoidant attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
Many of us equate the avoidant attachment style with men and the anxious attachment style with women, but these stereotypes aren't valid. Both men and women possess all three attachment styles.
About 5 percent of people fall into a fourth category of attachment, which is a combination of anxious and avoidant. If you're in this category, intimacy and closeness make you uncomfortable, and at the same time, you feel insecure about your partner's commitment and his or her feelings toward you. People with a combined anxious-avoidant attachment style can benefit from learning about both styles.
Once you’ve determined what your attachment style is, reflect on how you manifest that attachment style and what that means for your relationships.
List 3-5 of your common behaviors that clearly mark you as a secure, anxious, or avoidant attacher.
Now consider your present relationship (or most recent relationship if you’re not currently in one). List 3-5 ways that your attachment style affects your partner either positively or negatively. Consider phrasing your answers as: “When I do X, it probably makes my partner feel X.”
What ways could you adapt your behaviors to better suit the emotional needs of your partner?
Whether you’re starting out in a new relationship or struggling to find harmony in a decades-long marriage, understanding your partner's beliefs and attitudes about intimacy can save you a lot of emotional struggle.
Since evolution has assigned our romantic partners the job of being our secure base, it follows that if you want to thrive, you should find the most dependable and secure partner. Maybe you’re on your third date and you’re wondering whether this new relationship holds promise for a sustainable future. Once you get an accurate picture of this new person's capacity for intimacy, you'll stop wondering, "Does he or she really like me?" and start asking a more important question: "Is this person able to give me the emotional support I need?" Because if the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first is irrelevant.
Or perhaps you and your long-term partner have never succeeded in finding a peaceful equilibrium, but you can’t figure out why. By determining your partner’s attachment style—and knowing your own—you’ll finally understand what lies at the root of your conflicts.
Determining another person's attachment style is slightly more difficult than determining your own. After all, you can never “get inside” another person’s head. But while you may not know everything your partner feels and thinks, you do have intimate experience with their everyday actions and words—and those are telling.
A person with a secure attachment style has a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner, but they're also not overly concerned about rejection. They don't need to constantly negotiate how much intimacy or how much independence their relationship gives them—they're generally content with whatever their partner wants.
Secure attachers are consistent and reliable—they show up on time, they phone when they say they're going to phone, and they keep promises. They discuss plans with you and don't make decisions until they get your input. They open up their lives to you and typically introduce you to their family and friends relatively early in the relationship.
They’re also excellent communicators and know how to ask for what they want. They tell you if something is bothering them. They aren't afraid to discuss emotional issues or "touchy" relationship issues. They express their feelings for you openly and often—for example, it's easy for them to say "I love you."
If you're in a relationship with a secure attacher, you're in an emotionally safe place. Your partner engulfs you in an emotionally protective shield. They’re very concerned about your well-being and are almost always willing to work out disagreements in a fair, compromising way. They enjoy being your secure base and making it easier for you to face the perils of the outside world.
A person with an anxious attachment style has a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner and is highly tuned in to any perceived threat to that closeness. They're preoccupied with making the relationship work, so at times they may seem overly focused on you. For example, an anxious attacher may ask a lot of questions about your past relationships to see how they measure up.
The anxious attacher’s sensitivity to the relationship can be a huge asset, or it can lead to unnecessary drama. If you have to work late or spend a weekend without them, they may feel rejected. They'll be very concerned about what you're doing when you're not together.
Unfortunately, when an anxious attacher feels threatened, they tend to have a hard time expressing what's bothering them. They will sometimes act out or get angry because you can't guess what they need.
On the positive side, anxious attachers happily show their devotion; for example, they tend to be very affectionate—fond of hand-holding, hugging, and kissing. If you can quell an anxious attacher’s fears and offer them the reassurance they need, you'll have a highly loving and devoted partner.
A person with an avoidant attachment style lacks a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner. Like all humans, their brains are wired to seek an intimate connection, but when the partnership gets too close, they feel suffocated.
If you're just starting a relationship with an avoidant attacher, you may find that they give out confusing signals. For example, they may call you several times one week, then not at all the next week. They may "come on strong" at first, but start creating emotional distance as your relationship develops—suddenly, they may say that their work is all-consuming, or they need to take a break from togetherness.
Avoidant attachers are often reluctant to introduce you to their family or friends. They might make comments about taking a trip or moving to another city without mentioning whether you're part of that equation. They might even make disparaging statements about other couples' committed relationships, like "He's only in the relationship to get her money" or "She's trying to trick him into marriage." As your relationship progresses, they might suggest that the two of you are better off living in separate houses or not getting married.
If you're in a long-term relationship with an avoidant attacher, you will find that they use everyday conversations—about what to watch on television, how to care for pets or kids, or when and where to go on vacation—as ways to negotiate their independence. Because you've been in this relationship for a while, you've probably already learned how to accommodate their needs for distance and space. Most likely, you give in to their wishes. If you don’t, the avoidant partner will withdraw, or the relationship will end.
Interestingly, two people with avoidant styles rarely end up in a partnership because neither one is ever willing to compromise. They simply can't make it work.
Before labeling your love interest as an anxious, secure, or avoidant attacher, double-check your overall impression of their attachment style against these four "golden rules":
Beware of wearing rose-colored glasses. When you're newly involved with someone, it's easy to see what you want to see and ignore the rest. To be a good scientist, you need to pay attention to all of the messages they send, not just those you want to hear. (And since new romantic partners sometimes send mixed messages, you need to weigh all those messages equally.)
Once you’ve determined what your partner’s attachment style is, reflect on how he or she manifests that attachment style and what that means for you.
List 3-5 of your partner’s common behaviors that mark him or her as a secure, anxious, or avoidant attacher. For each behavior, give an example of a recent incident in which he or she exhibited that behavior.
Now consider your own attachment style and your emotional and intimacy needs. If your styles and needs differ from your partner’s, describe the ways in which they differ.
Overall, how well do you feel your partner meets your needs for intimacy and closeness? Reflect on this in a few sentences.
In the next three chapters, we’ll look at how each attachment style plays out in a relationship, starting with the anxious attachment style and then moving on to avoidant and secure.
Anxious attachers seem to have been born with extra-sensory relationship perception. Their attachment systems are too highly tuned, making them overly attentive to other people's emotional states. They’re perpetually on guard, so they zero in on even the slightest perceived threats. They believe their very survival depends on the success of their partnership.
The anxious attachment style comes with high stakes. If you're an anxious attacher, your relationship is so important to your sense of well-being, you’ll do almost anything to bring your partner closer, both physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, that means you may create some unproductive drama.
If you're an anxious attacher, you experience the following fairly often:
Anxious attachers devote their time and energy to one main goal: establishing and maintaining closeness with a chosen partner. If that partner is consistently available and receptive, anxious attachers tend to have happy relationships. If the partner wavers in their availability—even innocently or unwittingly—it can be disastrous for both parties.
Anxious attachers want frequent contact with their partners. If they're not getting it, they may employ “activating strategies,” like calling or texting excessively until they get a response. When they don't believe their emotional needs are being met, they may engage in psychological games, known as "protest behaviors," designed to get their partner to pay attention. Examples might be ignoring or manipulating their partner, threatening to leave the relationship, or keeping score on who called last or how much time it took for so-and-so to return a voicemail. They may even engage in acts to make their partner jealous.
Obviously, this behavior doesn't usually help the anxious attacher's cause. And if the anxious attacher's partner leaves the relationship because of it, the masochistic behavior may continue. Once an anxious attachment system is activated, it's hard to turn it off.
If you are an anxious attacher, your best chance of finding a stable, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship is to fall in love with a partner who has a secure attachment style. He or she won't feel threatened by your anxious nature; in fact, they'll pacify it. A secure partner will have little trouble responding to your emotional needs. You'll feel calm and secure most of the time.
Oddly, when an anxious attacher meets Ms. (or Mr.) Secure, it's not typically love at first sight. Anxious attachers often find that a loving, stable, emotionally available partner is rather dull. They're accustomed to love being served up with a side order of drama—a storm-tossed journey of ecstatic highs and miserable lows. They assume Ms. Secure must not be "the one" because they don't feel their attachment system going haywire in her presence.
In contrast, the worst partnership for anxious attachers is someone who has an avoidant attachment style. In an effort to keep emotional distance in the relationship, the avoidant will push all the anxious attacher's buttons. If you're the anxious attacher, your efforts to decipher the signals your partner gives out will drive you crazy. Your brain's desire for attachment will go into overdrive. You'll end up feeling inadequate, unhappy, and perpetually worried.
Unfortunately, anxious attachers often cross paths with avoidant attachers. Avoidants tend to have short-term relationships, so there are a lot of avoidant fish in the dating sea. On the other hand, that same dating sea has fewer secure attachers because they tend to commit to another person earlier in life and stay committed.
Additionally, avoidants tend not to date each other because neither party has the emotional glue to make the relationship work. Do the math and you wind up with a large number of avoidants meeting up with anxious attachers.
Relationship books tell us that in order to score a good partner, we shouldn't make ourselves "too available." It's best if we keep some distance, act like we're strong and independent, maybe even create an aura of mystery for our new partner to decipher.
These behaviors may make an anxious attacher look less dependent (and hence more intriguing), but they also tend to attract avoidants. After all, a strong and independent partner is exactly what avoidants are looking for; i.e. someone who doesn't demand to have their needs met (and lets the avoidant control the amount of closeness).
An anxious attacher who pretends to be someone they're not is setting themselves up to get stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand or value their needs.
If you’re an anxious attacher who wants to change your beliefs and attitudes toward intimacy and relationships, take these steps:
If you're in the 25 percent of the population with an avoidant attachment style, you aren't free of the basic tenets of attachment theory. All humans—including you—need physical and emotional proximity to an attachment figure. However, your behavior is probably stopping you from finding a stable, happy relationship and fulfilling your deep-seated desire to connect with a partner in a meaningful way.
Any avoidant reading this will likely wonder if they're the exception to the rule—is it possible they were born without that particular gene? But research shows that even avoidants have a desire to attach to others:
The research: As a way of accessing the unconscious minds of avoidant attachers, psychologists have them participate in word recognition tests. In these tests, words flash quickly across a screen, and researchers record how long it takes the subjects to recognize and report each word.
They’ve discovered that avoidant subjects' brains are highly tuned in to words that express need, desire, closeness, dependency, or marriage. The avoidants describe these words as having threatening or negative connotations. But avoidants are much slower to notice words that express separation, abandonment, or loss, and those words don't incite any strong emotion or reaction.
However, when the subjects are distracted—they’re instructed to simultaneously perform another task, like solving a simple puzzle, while the words flash across the screen—their reaction to all these words is equally fast.
The conclusion? When avoidant attachers’ brains are distracted by other activities, they can no longer suppress the impactful concepts of separation and loss. In other words, an avoidant attacher’s desire for human connection is always present, and it takes focused brain effort for them to suppress it. Avoidants aren’t granted an exception from the biological desire to attach; they’re just skilled at sidelining it.
If you have an avoidant attachment style but believe you genuinely desire a close, intimate relationship, it's worth taking the time to examine how you behave when other people try to get close.
First off, understand that you are always maneuvering for independence and negotiating how to keep your relationships at a comfortable distance. This occurs on an everyday basis in even the smallest of ways.
Just like anxious attachers use “activating strategies” to try to bring their partners closer (like texting or calling multiple times a day or repeatedly telling their partners how much they love them), avoidant attachers use "deactivating strategies" to keep a romantic partner at arm's length. It's their way of turning off their natural attachment mechanism. It's apparent in their communications, actions, attitudes, and beliefs.
If you're an avoidant attacher, you experience the following fairly often:
Many avoidant attachers were brought up to be highly self-reliant. Their parents taught them lessons like "you can only depend on yourself" and "always pack your own parachute."
Western culture tends to reinforce these beliefs. We idealize the self-reliant, autonomous heroes who row solo across the Atlantic or explore the Amazon jungle with only a backpack and a camera. They're the stuff of great magazine stories, but these models of self-sufficiency and independence aren't necessarily happy, well-adjusted human beings.
While it’s great to be confident in your ability to take care of yourself, it's also a burden. Studies show that a strong belief in self-reliance is linked to a low level of comfort with intimacy and closeness. In other words, extremely self-reliant people tend to be avoidant attachers.
Avoidants often can't tell the difference between self-reliance and independence. As a result, they are less likely to seek support from others or engage in self-disclosure. They tend to be extremely self-focused. Since they believe they must take care of all their own needs, they often ignore the needs of their partner. In fact, they get defensive if their partner asks for help or attention (after all, in the avoidant’s mind, their partner should take care of themselves).
We've already noted that avoidants often idealize a past relationship. That's because after that relationship has ended, they no longer feel threatened by the intimacy of it, and suddenly, they can remember all the positive qualities of their ex-partner. The glass is now half full, not half empty.
However, if an avoidant's newfound longing becomes so intense that they try getting back together with their ex, they find that history repeats itself. Once again, they'll get caught up in a cycle of getting closer, then pulling away. The avoidant's behavior is predetermined because they don't realize their unstable emotions are internal.
On the other hand, if an avoidant doesn't try to renew that old relationship, he or she may obsess over that person endlessly—to that point that any new potential partner doesn't have a chance.
Another classic avoidant strategy is believing that the perfect partner exists and must be found. If you're an avoidant, this allows you to meet someone and initially decide they're amazing, then as you get closer to this person, slowly start to uncover their flaws until you realize they're not actually "the one." The initial thrill of having found the perfect partner fades away, and suddenly you're looking for a ticket out.
Avoidants are caught in a never-ending struggle. Deep in their hearts, they yearn for intimacy, yet they constantly suppress their natural human urge for attachment. They don't think their inability to sustain a loving, fulfilling relationship is based on their own inner turmoil. They always assume the problem lies with their partner's unworthiness—they just got involved with the "wrong" person.
Typically, avoidants don't turn their attention inward until they experience some life-changing trauma—perhaps an illness, accident, death of a family member, or even a severe bout of loneliness or depression. Traumatic events like these may unseat the avoidant’s belief system and provide a catalyst for increased self-awareness.
An avoidant attacher who wants to change their beliefs and attitudes toward intimacy and relationships (without waiting for a life-changing trauma to shake them up) should take these steps:
If you're currently looking for love, remember this happy statistic: More than half of the population are "super mates" who have a secure attachment style. These dependable partners use effective communication to get their needs met without putting others on the defensive. They pay attention to their partner’s needs and can easily respond to them. They have a natural gift for easing others' emotional and physical worries.
The research: A secure attachment style is the single best predictor of happiness in any relationship. When both partners have a secure attachment style, they report high levels of fulfillment, commitment, and trust. Even when a secure partner is paired with an anxious or avoidant partner, both partners tend to report satisfaction with their relationship. The secure partner creates a buffering effect by bringing out the best in their anxious or avoidant partner.
Secure attachers come in all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes, but they have a few things in common: Other people, including potential romantic partners, aren’t threatening to them. They are predisposed to expect their partners to love them, so they don't worry much about the relationship falling apart. They are comfortable being close and intimate, and they're able to keep their emotions fairly steady even when faced with adversity.
If you're a secure attacher, you experience the following fairly often:
Given how secure attachers behave, it's not surprising that they tend to be very good at picking partners who share the same secure style. By focusing only on potential partners who can meet their emotional needs, they often wind up with fulfilling, long-lasting relationships.
For everybody else, there's good news: Even if you don't naturally have a secure attachment style, you can take a few lessons from those who do. If you're trying to find a romantic partner, adopt the behaviors and attitudes of a secure attacher (in other words, follow the guidelines in the bullet list above).
Even if you’re an anxious or avoidant attacher, you can adopt the behaviors of a secure attacher for your partner’s benefit (no matter what their attachment style is).
The research: A study out of Carnegie Mellon University found that three specific behaviors are required to create a secure base for your partner. If you want to provide a secure base for your partner, focus on adopting these behaviors:
It might seem like people who are secure attachers have a guarantee of rosy relationships, but that's not always the case. While it's true that secure attachers can often transform anxious or even avoidant people into stable, happy partners, sometimes despite their best efforts, they can’t.
Secure attachers who are in long-term relationships may have a difficult time knowing when the relationship is bad enough that it's time to cut the cord. Why? Secure attachers feel responsible for taking care of their partners, so they're more likely to keep giving them second, third, and fifth chances when it might be better to end the relationship.
If you’re a secure attacher, don’t let that mean you’re stuck forever in an unhealthy relationship. Having a secure attachment system is a precious gift—one that shouldn't be squandered. Just because you can "get along" with your partner—no matter how difficult he or she has become—doesn't mean you should.
Here are two red flags that may indicate it's time to end the relationship:
We've seen that secure attachers can often make any kind of relationship work. Through their good modeling, an anxious or avoidant partner may rise to the secure partner's level. In a perfect world, every relationship would contain at least one naturally secure partner, but too often, that's not the case. The most volatile combination is when anxious attachers get involved with avoidant attachers. With neither partner being a naturally secure base, frequent conflicts erupt over trivial, everyday issues. At the crux of the chronic strife is a seemingly irreconcilable clash over intimacy.
If you're part of an anxious-avoidant pairing, you'll likely experience these conditions:
When anxious-avoidant relationships last for a substantial period of time, both parties can get trapped in an escalating cycle. The anxious attacher tries harder to get closer, and the avoidant tries harder to distance themselves. The anxious attacher utilizes activation strategies; the avoidant utilizes deactivation strategies. The result? Both parties are stuck in a simmering, or sometimes exploding, conflict—no matter how much they genuinely love each other.
In these “stably unstable” relationships, interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's differences expand into every corner of life. For example, what starts as a conflict over whether to get married becomes a standoff over issues like visiting each other's families, splitting the household chores evenly, or spending money on a joint vacation. The gap between partners widens as every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention.
Additionally, most conflicts are left unresolved because the avoidant attacher doesn't want resolution. So with every argument, the anxious partner falls further behind in the emotional contest between the two. The anxious partner realizes—once again—that they are losing the fight to bring the avoidant partner closer, which makes them act out with greater vigor.
Although anxious-avoidant partnerships face abundant conflicts, that doesn't mean the only solution is to break up. Typically, an anxious-avoidant pairing can succeed if the anxious partner makes frequent concessions and lets the avoidant partner run the show—or determine how and when intimacy is achieved. (See "When to Lower Your Expectations" below.)
However, there are two healthier ways for anxious-avoidant couples to achieve a happier ending—if they’re both willing to make an effort. Both partners can: 1) find good role models and mimic their behavior, and 2) take a good hard look at their past relationships.
Research tells us that it's possible for someone's attachment style to change over time—for example, an avoidant or anxious partner could become more secure. One way this can occur is through "security priming," which is essentially role-modeling of how secure people interact and behave.
First, both the avoidant and anxious partner must each find a role model—someone who has a comfortable and secure way of dealing with their romantic partner. It might be a friend, a coworker, or a sibling. The avoidant or anxious partner thinks about that role model's specific behaviors and actions in response to a variety of life situations. For example, how do they behave when their partner feels bad? When do they respond directly to their partner's behavior or words, and when do they turn the other cheek?
Surprisingly, the secure role model could even be a favorite pet. Most of us have an extremely secure relationship with our pets. Even when they exhibit bad behaviors—like chewing on the new leather couch or barking at 5 a.m.—we love them anyway. We don't resent them for wanting our attention all the time. We don't hold grudges for the mistakes they've made. And even when we're in a terrible mood, we're always happy to see them. Our relationships with our pets may be an ideal inspiration for our intimate relationships with humans.
If you're trying to improve who you are in a relationship today, it's worth looking back at your relationship history. Based on the previous chapters, you already know your attachment style. The next step is to dig a little deeper and examine how your attachment style has played out in your past relationships. Looking at your past romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory can help you understand what's going on in your present relationship. Follow these steps:
Even when anxious and avoidant partners try their hardest to improve their relationship, it doesn't always work. A couple may stay together for years but remain stuck in an ongoing battle over security and closeness. If this is true for your relationship, it's helpful to remember that becoming more secure isn't a once-and-done achievement; it's an ongoing process. It's also helpful to know that your struggles aren't due to a personality disorder on either partner's part. Both of you can find comfort in knowing that your differences are based on differing attachment systems.
The anxious partner in particular can benefit from this knowledge since it's especially easy for them to feel unworthy and inadequate—after all, their beloved keeps pushing them away, and rejection has become the norm. If you're the anxious partner, keep in mind that the rejection isn't about you. You'll stop finding fault with yourself and feeling disappointed all the time.
If you're in a long-term relationship with frequent attachment clashes and there's been little or no improvement over the years, you may face a tough, life-altering choice—lower your expectations or walk away from the person you've loved for years.
Some couples do find ways to peacefully coexist within anxious-avoidant partnerships. Most often this occurs when the anxious partner simply accepts the relationship's limitations and lowers their expectations of their avoidant partner. This sounds like "lowering the bar," and it is. But for some anxious partners in anxious-avoidant pairings, forfeiting their dreams of deep, comforting intimacy is better than living with chronic arguments and tears.
Achieving this delicate equilibrium requires the following strategies:
If you're just entering into an anxious-avoidant relationship, recognize that this is your window of opportunity to decide whether you can live with this kind of unequal partnership.
As harsh as that sounds, it's much better to face reality early on. Try to quiet down your attachment system, and use logic to decide whether you're comfortable with the inevitable conflict of an anxious-avoidant partnership. For some people, it’s manageable, but for most, it’s not.
Security priming is role-modeling how secure people interact and behave. To behave like a more secure partner, emulate people you know who have a comfortable and secure way of dealing with their romantic partner.
Name two people you know who you think have secure relationships with their partners.
Come up with four real-world examples of how those two people behave in their intimate partnership—two examples for each person. (For example, “Bob calls his wife Sue during his lunch break every day and they chat for 15 minutes” or “Bob always attends Sue’s hockey games and cheers her on”)
Now make a list of three ways you might be able to emulate your two role models’ behavior.
We've seen that anxious-avoidant partnerships result in unavoidable conflict. In the worst-case scenario, the chronic clashes between anxious and avoidant partners escalate to the point that the relationship is toxic and destructive. This typically takes the form of verbal and emotional abuse.
At this point, your only recourse is to end the relationship—for the sake of your own mental health. Unfortunately, anxious-avoidant couples often have an extremely hard time finding the strength to break up even when the relationship has become harmful.
A common sign that an anxious-avoidant relationship is veering toward toxicity is the couple's sex life—or lack of it. For starters, avoidant attachers are more likely to cheat on their partners than secure or anxious attachers. But even when an avoidant partner is faithful, sex may become problematic because the avoidant will withhold it from their anxious partner. This may not be a conscious choice; the avoidant partner will just lose sexual interest in their partner. This in turn elevates the anxious partner’s anxiety.
Consciously or unconsciously, the avoidant is trying to do what he or she does in every scenario: Prevent the possibility of closeness. Meanwhile the anxious partner is simply trying to do what he or she does in every scenario: Find comfort in some type of positive affirmation from their avoidant partner.
Another common marker is that the avoidant partner's behavior may be completely different with the anxious partner than it is with the rest of the world. For example, if Suzy is an avoidant, everyone in the neighborhood might think Suzy is the kindest person they know, but Suzy's anxious partner Bob will be privy to a very different side of her.
Suzy acts unkindly to Bob—and no one else—because she sees him as the enemy. He has gotten too close to her, and she feels suffocated.
If these statements apply to you and/or your relationship, your partnership has become harmful and possibly abusive:
If you're in an anxious-avoidant pairing that has become abusive or damaging, the first step is to admit it. Many people feel ashamed of their predicament and try to brush it off by saying "no relationship is perfect" or "all couples have disagreements."
But even if you recognize the toxicity of your relationship, you still may find it nearly impossible to leave. And if you do leave, you'll immediately want to run straight back to his or her arms. That's due to the "rebound effect."
In Chapter 2, we discussed how evolution has wired our attachment system to prefer togetherness over going solo. Our brains' emotional circuits send out a message of "ouch, Mayday, severe pain ahead!" when we consider the prospect of breaking up with our significant other. In fact, our brains register a relationship breakup the same way they register a hot stove we’re about to touch. The brain sends a “don’t-do-it” signal.
From the standpoint of evolution, that's a good strategy. Our brains want to encourage us to stay connected to another human being (after all, they just might save us from the saber-toothed tiger). But there are no predators threatening us, just an unhealthy relationship that needs to end.
Unfortunately, once your brain registers the pain of the breakup, there's a snowball effect: Your attachment system goes into overdrive, and your cognitive powers get hijacked. Suddenly you can remember only the good times you've shared with your ex; the bad times fade out of view. Now breaking up seems like a terrible idea, so you stay. Or if you’ve already broken up, you return for a “rebound.”
If you need to end a toxic relationship but don't think you have the will to do it, rely on these strategies. These nine tips can help you get through a tough breakup:
Whether your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating directly and honestly can help you choose the right one—someone who is genuinely concerned with your interests and desires. Once you're in a relationship, it helps to ensure your needs are met. And there’s a bonus attached: Every time you communicate like a secure attacher, you’re setting a good example and encouraging openness and honesty in your relationship.
Secure attachers express their needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening, inoffensive, noncritical manner. For example, if they want affection, they gently ask for a kiss or a hug. If they think their partner is brooding over something, they ask questions about what they’re feeling. If they aren't sure where the relationship is headed in the future, they state what they would like to occur and they ask their partner what their goals are.
Follow these principles of effective communication:
Communicating effectively with your partner will reveal a lot about their attachment style. After calmly stating your needs to your partner, pay attention to how they respond. Even in the early stages of a relationship, their response will likely be telling:
People without a secure attachment style find that effective communication doesn't come naturally. In the case of anxious attachers, they fear honest, direct discussions because they don’t feel confident their needs are valid and worthy. Since they don't want to sound desperate or needy, they tend to play psychological games, hedging their bets on what feelings to express or suppress in order to maintain a "cool" persona.
Anxious attachers also believe that if they want to talk about a problem in the relationship, their partner will respond negatively. The anxious attacher sees their relationship as a delicate flower that could easily wilt. When they finally work up the courage to talk to their partner, their words often come out wrong—they sound critical, accusing, or threatening. They push their partners away rather than bringing them closer.
By not communicating directly, anxious attachers wind up getting more hurt. But direct, effective communication can only help them. It’s possible that in an honest, straightforward discussion, the anxious partner may wind up hearing what they dread to hear. (Perhaps when they finally get up the nerve to discuss having a monogamous relationship, their partner may admit that's not what they want.) Although the truth may hurt, it helps the anxious partner in the long term by clarifying their status in the relationship, perhaps giving them the freedom to move on.
Like anxious attachers, avoidants often feel like something is wrong in their relationships, but they usually can’t identify exactly what it is. They feel agitated—like they want to run out of the room—but they don't understand why.
Often the avoidant partner will reason: "I guess I'm not really in love with So-and-So." This kind of simplistic logic leads to a long trail of dead-end relationships and doesn't tackle the problem’s root.
An avoidant's most important communication need is finding a gentle way to express his or her need for space, whether it's emotional or physical. The avoidant must learn how to state this need for breathing room without making it sound like it's their partner's fault. In other words, the avoidant needs to make it plain that the partner is not the problem.
This sounds like the classic relationship cliche "It's not you; it's me," but it's different. In this case, the avoidant partner isn't exiting the relationship but is doing what's needed to keep the relationship alive.
Is every tiny disagreement or negative emotion between two people worthy of an intensely deep heart-to-heart discussion? Probably not. But if either of the following scenarios applies, reach for your effective communication tools:
To communicate effectively with your partner, think carefully about the words you'll use. Just like you'd prepare before giving a presentation to your boss, it's not overkill to prepare your words before an important relationship conversation.
Think about a specific conflict that occurred recently in your relationship—one that either resulted in an argument or just left you feeling uncomfortable or unloved. What were your partner's specific words or actions that hurt your feelings?
What actions could your partner take that would make you feel more at ease?
Using the answers to the first two questions, write a short “script” that focuses on that issue and communicates what you need. (Remember to apply the principles outlined above under “What Effective Communication Sounds Like.”)
Many of us think that the best relationships don't involve arguing or conflict, but that's a romantic myth. Numerous studies have proved that even the most secure couples have arguments, and they often serve as opportunities for growing closer. The key is handling them constructively by applying the communications skills of a secure attacher.
Conflict between partners comes in two flavors: intimacy-related disagreements and daily-life disagreements. The former are the complex relationship problems that are discussed throughout this summary. The latter are more trivial issues, like who will make dinner or take out the trash. As we've seen, both types of disagreements may be connected—an argument about where to go on vacation may actually be an argument about intimacy. But even when daily-life conflicts aren't symptomatic of a much deeper conflict, it’s still helpful to have solid strategies for managing them.
No matter your attachment style, follow these communication tips to handle daily-life conflicts and disagreements in a way that will bring you closer:
When a daily life conflict rears its not-so-pretty head, anxious attachers will feel threatened. Even though it's just an argument about whether to spend money on new car tires or a new hot tub, their fear of abandonment may kick in. They'll think the worst: "Oh no, things aren't perfect between us—that means we’re going to break up." Their fear of their partner's unavailability or their own inferiority may send them into a negative spiral—even though it's unwarranted.
Avoidants will take the opposite stance to conflict—they'll shut down and try to remove themselves from the situation. They may use a strategy like criticizing their partner as a way to distance themselves from the conflict at hand.
When anxious and avoidant attachers face disagreements, both parties must be especially vigilant about employing good communications strategies. Keep these tips in mind:
Effective communication is useful in all kinds of situations, but it’s especially important during an argument. In this exercise, you’ll examine your communication skills during conflict.
Think about the last significant disagreement or argument you had with your partner. Briefly describe what the conflict was about and how it got resolved (or didn’t).
Now try your best to remember what you said during that argument. Did you show a genuine concern for your partner’s feelings? If so, what words did you use?
In addition to showing concern for your partner’s feelings, did you openly communicate your own feelings? If so, what words did you use?
If you could revise the words you used in that argument, what would you change and why?